On the Zoo and Getting Rich

Dear Mr. OR,

As you are aware the Beast has been learning the manners of our cats over the last few weeks. Where as The Beast has not yet learned the cats way of getting around the house it has become very apparent that the Beast is trying. It has also begun growing a set of strong sharp claws. It has already used these claws in a most unforgiving manner against my person. While my wife and I were tending to my wounds it occurred to me that the Beast has become more like the large cats found in Africa than like the small house cats we have at home. I believe this for several reasons. First the Beast lies around in shady places most of the day not unlike lions at watering holes. Second the Beast growls continually at everything around it. Its growl has grown very loud not unlike the roar of a lion. Third the Beast has a set of very large claws that it can use to tear the flesh of its prey just like a lion does.

As I was pondering these ideas I came to the understanding that people pay good money to go to the zoo and see lions. Naturally I began to wonder if people would pay to go to the zoo and see the Beast. Of course they would. The Beast has all the elements required for a good zoo display. The Beast is dangerous, aggressive, has lovely rare fur. Why I'll bet I would make a killing. And so I set about building my exhibit. First I modified some of the barred cells that I still have from laying around from the time I put the Beast in solitary confinement. I made them more spacious so it would appear the Beast had room to roam. Something that I am sure is more illusion than true as every zoo I have ever been too the animals never move more than five feet in any direction. This was accomplished quickly and insured that I would not have to suffer a law suit from the P.E.T.A.. I then whipped up some signs using spray paint that gave a brief description of the Beast and another one asking patrons not to the feed the Beast.

I now felt ready and confident in my new venture. Indeed I could nearly feel the money in my pocket as I'm sure such a unique exhibit would make me rich quite quickly. Upon putting the Beast in the cage however I quickly became aware of just how good a reach the Beast has with its claws. That would never do. Images of what could happen if an elderly person stumbled within reach of the Beasts vicious grasp filled my head causing me to shudder uncontrollably. And then I had a wonderful Idea. All I needed to do was to cap the Beasts claws. With lightning speed I rounded up the handyman’s favorite tool, duct tape, and a pair of my old socks. I put a sock on each of the Beasts hands duct taping them securely around the Beasts arms and presto! instant disarmed Beast. I have now begun selling tickets at my front door and am waiting for my first customer and should you drop by I will of course let you in at a discounted price. I remain always;
Respectfully yours,

The Lumpy

On Cats and Becoming Wary

Dear Mr. OR,

During my usual observations of the Beast this week I have learned some new and interesting facts. First and foremost the Beast has a hostile and aggressive attitude. Yes as an infiltrator in my household I knew that the Beast was hostile towards me already but I did not realize the level of hostility it has to all manner of life around it. As you know it is cannibalistic, and at several occasions I have seen it try to feast upon either myself or my wife. Lately; however, it has even begun to show aggression towards the Lumpy’s cats.

Perhaps I have never mentioned it before but the Lumpy has two lovely and very amiable cats. They are very loving with the Lumpy and his darling bride but do not; however, get along with each other. And so on any given day the Lumpy can find some entertainment watching the cats growling and chasing each other throughout the Lumpy's residence. The Beast has gone out of its way to learn the sounds that the cats make and has begun growling repeatedly at the cats as well as the Lumpy and his wife to show how much the Beast dislikes us. Indeed it seams that the Beast dislikes everyone it meets as it seams to growl at and attempts to eat everyone who comes in contact with it.

I have also noticed that the Beast is becoming increasingly wary of me. Every time I attempt to take the Beast off of my wife’s hands for a second or two the Beast immediately begins yelling and then increases its mind control powers upon my wife until she takes the Beast back. This has resulted in little time alone with the Beast with which to continue my studies. Indeed I have had several attempts foiled recently in this manner. And so I will be biding my time over here in my favorite chair reading a book until further developments. I remain always;

Respectfully Yours,

The Lumpy

On Fish Swimming Upstream

Dear Mr. OR,

Given the last few weeks events and the Beasts newest attack I felt it was high time I did some experimentation. Especially after being warned by so many people that the Beast is likely to unleash more biological attacks in the future. So with this in mind I set out to discover what delivery method the Beast was using for transfer of the disease from itself to my wife and me.

The first thing I needed to do was send my wife out of the house without the Beast. This as it turns out was a very easy task. Perhaps the virus had weakened the Beasts mind control over her. And so with a quick request for a few things and an offer to take care of the Beast my wife ran for the door quicker than I have seen her move in months and was gone.

Delighted by the ease of this success I immediately grabbed the Beast and began my observations. I turned the Beast this way, then that, picked the Beast up, flipped it upside-down. After this brief search I pondered again the clear goo that the Beast seams to constantly produce and a thought came to my head nearly instantly. The goo would make an excellent transfer mechanism for a biological weapon. Both my wife and I had gotten the goo on us just prior to being sick and there were goo spots all over the house. My mind full of my new hypothesis I began to put a plan in action for gathering of goo samples that I could then test for the presence of biological entities.

I made my way to the garage dragging the Beast and a chair behind me. Once in the garage I strapped the Beast to the chair. It must have realized its danger then because it immediately began making tons of noise but not even noise could pull me from the deep focus I'd found in beginning this experiment. I ran to the corner and found my industrial strength shop vac and plugged it in. Pulled the duct tape off of the top shelf and with lightning quick speed I had the end of the vacume duct tapped to the Beasts mouth. With great glee I flipped the switch and was surrounded by the hum of a vacume cleaner doing its job. I took a peak at the Beast whose eyes had grown larger than I remember ever seeing them before. I inspected the tube to make sure that the goo was being harvested in ample quantities and was amazed to see the Beasts tongue flapping back and forth in its mouth like a little fish swimming upstream against a mighty current. I was so fascinated that I failed to hear my wife walking in through the door behind me.

With a shrill shriek she flipped the switch and yanked the hose from the Beasts mouth dripping some of the goo on my work table. I quickly got a dish for the goo to drain in and then turned to face my wife but by that time both she and the Beast had disappeared into the bowels of our home. My goo collected; it is time for me to find some testing kits as I appear to be freshly out of them so I stored the Beast goo in the fridge and retired to the living room where I could curl up with a good book. I have seen neither my wife nor the Beast since my wife came home but I'm hoping to see them soon as I am hungry and it is nearly time for supper. I remain always;

Respectfully yours,

The Lumpy

On Biological Warfare take two

Dear Mr. OR,

I am happy to inform you that both my darling bride and I have come out of the Beasts latest attack unscathed. As we are both feeling considerably better I have had some time to think about what may have happened and I think I now know how the Beast managed to pull off this astounding attack.

My darling bride and I regularly attend a not-so-local-church service. At our church are several other couples who have been invaded by little Beasts of their own. Every Sunday prior to the service beginning we stand out in the hall and draw straws to see which two adults will have to play jailor to the Beasts and make sure that they don’t try and kill us all by setting the building on fire or something equally horrible. Although I was not chosen this night the Lumpy has been chosen in the past and I can tell you that it is a horrible job. It is nearly impossible to watch all of the Beasts at the same time and the noise... Why I nearly lost my sanity on the night which I was chosen.

What I think happened is that the Beasts waited until they were only being watched by their jailors and then they set up a diversion. While the jailors were distracted one of the other Beasts helped our Beast infect itself with the awful disease. Why would it do that? Why not just infect us? Good questions. I have not, although I have tried, been able to find any syringes anywhere in our house or the church. This means that the disease and the disease immunization must be taken orally. The Beast must have realized that there is no way it was going to be able to make me take a virus filled pill. Not even with my wife’s help. Given that homeland security would most likely look very unfavorably upon the Beast firing a missile or using some kind of detonating device; the Beast was not left with many options. The Beast does not appear to be naturally immune to the virus as it seamed quite under the weather for a few days; although, the Beasts rapid recovery makes me believe that it was hiding an immunization pill someplace on its person and was able to take it after observing my wife and myself succumbing to the virus.

I am happy to announce, again, that my darling bride and I have survived. My wife is no longer showing any ill effects and I am left only with a cough which I have reason to believe is getting better. I shall continue my inquirery into how this could happen and report my findings. I remain always;

Respectfully yours,

The Lumpy

On Biological Warfare

Dear Mr. OR,

I suppose it was only a matter of time. The Beast has unleashed its most fearsome weapon yet. It appears that the Beast came upon a Biological weapon. Now luckily it does not appear to be Anthrax or anything so nasty but everyone who resides at the Lumpy Residence has contracted an illness that makes the head feel as though it is going to explode from being packed with too much cotton and the body feel as though it is wrapped in a heating pad set to char broil. Having relayed this info I am off to mix up another cocktail of drugs that I'm hoping will eventually burn the bug out of us. I will send my next letter as soon as I am well. I remain always;

Respectfully yours,

The Lumpy

On Wetsuits and Cannibals

Dear Mr. OR,

I regret to report that the Beasts goo making abilities appear to be getting worse with time. Why every time my wife wipes its face it is only seconds before the Beast is soaked in the substance again. This only strengthens my current conviction that the Beast comes from a very moist environment. I have noticed, due to a very unpleasant incident in which my wife required that I assist her by holding the beast for a few minutes, that when this substance gets on clothing the clothing becomes very uncomfortable to wear. So as I'm sitting there in my rather sticky and uncomfortable Beast soaked clothing I began to put my mind to work on how I could forever keep my clothing and the Beasts' goo separate. I'm almost ashamed to admit that it took me several minutes to come up with a solution. The answer was easy. Wetsuits. I remember reading that wetsuits are designed to trap a layer of water inside of them which warms up due to the person’s body temperature and helps insulate the person wearing it.

So with this in mind I strapped the Beast down grabbed the wife and off we went to the local surf shop. Upon entering I knew I was in for a challenge. The young man at the counter across from the door spotted me almost instantly. Before I knew what had happened I was run over by a barrage of words about this product and that item and how they even had surf boards for the Beast. My first thought was that a surf board for the Beast may not be a bad idea as I hear they look like tempting morsels to marauding sharks. Then I remembered how there aren't really many sharks around here and it would probably take way to long to get the Beast attacked as sending it out to sea with a dead tuna strapped around its leg would probably look rather suspicious when the police officers investigated.

With as much patience as I could muster, as the clerk was still attempting to sell me his entire inventory, I explained that we were just there to buy a wetsuit for the Beast. It would appear that I had hit the jackpot. They had any surfing gear you could ever want in this store, I know because the clerk told me four times in three minutes, but it turns out they did not have a Beast size wetsuit. Ok, we'll take the next size up I said. And when all was said and done I walked out of the store with, my wife, the Beast, a lighter wallet, and a me sized wetsuit. Oh well. It will do. I told myself on the furious drive home. And it has indeed. The Beast is now the proud wearer of the latest in surfing fashion.

And so encouraged by that success I went on to attempt one more item for the day. For some time now I have been attempting to figure out the Beasts language by watching it while it interacts with other infiltrators. However, I have been foiled in large part because I do not get to observe the Beast during these encounters for more than a few minutes at a time. Well after observing a few duck hunters during my last hunting excursion a possible answer came to me. Perhaps if I were to set the Beast up with a decoy. And so for the second time today I went to the store. This time my purchase was easy and I was home with my decoy not long after I had left. Upon my arrival I quickly found my wife, explained my intentions, and dragged her and the Beast into the living room where I would be able to study the Beast at length without foregoing any of the comforts that my modest dwelling has to offer.

Well at first the Beast simply stared at the decoy but after a while it started in with it's Beastly language and I began recording the conversation phonetically. The conversation seamed to go quite well for a few seconds. The Beast even made a joke, I assume, because the Beast burst into peals of giggly laughter. And then without warning the Beast reached out its clawed hand, grasped the decoy by its hair, shoved the decoys face into its mouth, and immediately began to chew. I was so disturbed that I removed the decoy with out thinking thereby ruining my own experiment. It had never occurred to me that the Beast might be cannibalistic. It still gives me a shudder. And so I put the Beast back in its wetsuit and deposited it with my wife. I'm not sure where they have gone off too but perhaps they are hunting other Beasts around the neighborhood. My wife and the Beast working as a gruesome pair from some old horror movie chasing down slower wives and Beasts in order to feed on them. Although this may bode well after all. If I find some stronger Beasts perhaps they will eat my Beast and I shall finally be in the clear. I have a lot of planning to do. I shall write shortly and inform you of my endeavors. Until then I remain always;

Respectfully yours,

The Lumpy

On Oceans and Burritos

Dear Mr. OR,

I have recently had a discovery. In keeping with the principles of the scientific method I have begun to monitor the Beast. This should allow me to predict its movements and also to learn why it does some of the things it does. It was with this in mind that I found myself sitting in my favorite chair pretending to read a book while my wife and the Beast were both lounging on a blanket in the middle of our floor. The Beast was making its usual gurgling sound. The latest in a string of sounds the Beast has been making and my wife was reading a book and watching the Beast at the same time. How she manages to do this I do not know. My darling bride has always been able to pay attention to more than one thing at a time and no matter how many times she shows me how to do it I am completely incapable of this feet.

Well the longer I sat watching the Beast the more convinced I became; the Beast comes from some place very wet. Like a swamp, or an ocean, or perhaps even Venus. I can never be sure as my searches through National Geographic have, as of yet, not turned up any articles showing where these little monsters come from. I came to this conclusion because the Beast seams to require that its skin stay moist. To this end it makes a constant stream of water like goo within its mouth which it then sticks its hands into and shortly there after wipes all over anything that is within reach including itself. Anything we put the Beast in eventually looks as though it has recently been sprayed with water from a fire hose. I also noticed that whenever we attempt to place the Beast on its stomach it almost immediately begins a swimming type motion not all that different from a frogs swimming motion. Both legs come up together and then thrust violently down and together at the same time while the head stays very high in the air. I would assume this is to keep the head above the waves so that the Beast can breathe.

I was so intent on these thoughts that I forgot I was supposed to look as though I was reading. Well the Beast looked over at me and must have realized what I was doing as it grabbed hold of the blanket it was seated on and began rolling over and over until it had wrapped itself into a tight burrito shaped cocoon. At first I was fascinated by this reaction; however, my wife was less than pleased. With a yell about the Beast not being able to breathe she immediately removed the Beast from its shell and took the Beast into the other room. And so here I sit with nothing better to do than to read the book I had been pretending to read in the first place. I remain always;

Respectfully Yours,

The Lumpy