On Infiltration
Dear Mr. OR
I have been doing some wandering around my neighborhood as of late, mostly to escape the ongoing noise of The Beast at my household, and I have made an interesting observation. It would seam that The Beasts countrymen have begun their infiltration in force. Everywhere I look these days I'm finding signs that there is a significant Beast presence within the town that I live in. What is more many of my friends have had their own houses infested with Beasts as of late and one family member in particular has just warned her husband, The Lumpys Step-Brother-In-Law, of an upcoming invasion of their own homestead. I had a meeting with him to discuss what I know of how our Beast operates and what he can expect as far as the devious nature of the creature. We then discussed game plans and ways in which he could prepare for the upcoming onslaught.
The amount of our friends and families being infiltrated leads me to believe that our Beast is some form of scout sent in to identify viable targets. It was with this understanding that I have done a full search of The Beasts quarters with in the Lumpy residence looking for infiltration strategies, maps of the surrounding area, names of viable targets, but all I found was the phone book which my wife insists I left in there during a late night phone call the other day.
Thus far what interrogation I have been able to conduct has led to little information and the little information I have been gathered was giving to me in The Beasts native tongue. Since I do not speak Beastish I am busily trying to decipher my phonetic transcripts of its utterances. Thus far I have had very little luck. I will; however, remain vigilant and I will let you know if I find your name entering into the picture as a target for infiltration. Until then I remain always;
Respectfully Yours,
The Lumpy
I have been doing some wandering around my neighborhood as of late, mostly to escape the ongoing noise of The Beast at my household, and I have made an interesting observation. It would seam that The Beasts countrymen have begun their infiltration in force. Everywhere I look these days I'm finding signs that there is a significant Beast presence within the town that I live in. What is more many of my friends have had their own houses infested with Beasts as of late and one family member in particular has just warned her husband, The Lumpys Step-Brother-In-Law, of an upcoming invasion of their own homestead. I had a meeting with him to discuss what I know of how our Beast operates and what he can expect as far as the devious nature of the creature. We then discussed game plans and ways in which he could prepare for the upcoming onslaught.
The amount of our friends and families being infiltrated leads me to believe that our Beast is some form of scout sent in to identify viable targets. It was with this understanding that I have done a full search of The Beasts quarters with in the Lumpy residence looking for infiltration strategies, maps of the surrounding area, names of viable targets, but all I found was the phone book which my wife insists I left in there during a late night phone call the other day.
Thus far what interrogation I have been able to conduct has led to little information and the little information I have been gathered was giving to me in The Beasts native tongue. Since I do not speak Beastish I am busily trying to decipher my phonetic transcripts of its utterances. Thus far I have had very little luck. I will; however, remain vigilant and I will let you know if I find your name entering into the picture as a target for infiltration. Until then I remain always;
Respectfully Yours,
The Lumpy
posted by Julia Reffner | Thursday, September 08, 2005
14 Comments:
After reading I ran outside and scanned the neighborhood. Could the beasts be coming and I hadn't noticed? With a sigh of relief I walked back into my house. The neighborhood is safe for now. There are no beasts on my block.
LOL! We are on acreage, so Beastial infiltration is mostly of the feline variety, as we seem to have an annual litter.
Beware though. I have first hand knowledge of Beastial transformation.
{{{Leans in close to whisper....they turn into ~~shudders~~ "teenagers". Oh the horror!}}
If the Beast should plan to duplicate herself at our household, I will revolt. I am successfully nearing completion of the raising of two Beasts. I've become so attached to these two that I fear I won't be able to completely cut the strings between us upon their exit from the homestead. I will need to remain in contact for years to come, maybe even till the end of my own days on this planet.
The addition of another Beast would greatly upset my sanity. No... this will not do at all.
For the love of God! Keep your Beast under control!
Toad - Beware. I think you may be the most suseptable of any of my readers at the moment. Be vigilant or you too will have your life disrupted.
Marti - The feline variety indeed. I remember from your trench warfare post. the visuals still make me chuckle. {{Leans close... I have heard of this "teenager". With any luck I will be able to rid myself of the Beast before it calls in one of these monstrosities.}}
Jamie Dawn - So you are saying that extended periods spent with the Beast increases a persons dependence on their presence? How very fascinating and horifying. I shall have to be cautios of that.
I am trying desperatly to control my Beast; however, I've never been faced with controling a creature as wiley, cunning, or devious as the Beast before. It requres me to constantly stay on my toes. For your sake; however, I will not reveal your location. That way the Beast should have no way of sending one of its bretherin to your residence.
The Lumpy
Ok Lumpy look, I don't have much time and if I should be caught in this current correspondce, I most definately will be diminished quite brutally I fear. In fact soon after this correspondence, I'm sure that will have to move and change my own name for the secrets I'm about to reveal.
You see the beastial invasion is mayhaps not so haphazard as you are witnessing. I have many a "friend" who seemingly have been injected with a high dosage of chemical hormone, in which causes them to literally crave the beast. It's rather insane I find, and thus it can only be deduced that there is more going on here than we are obviously being told. I am currently moving my position every 2-3 days just to prevent myself from being injected by these chemicals for fear of my own beast appearing on my doorstep.
We must stand firm agianst this most unkind attack on our ways of life and fellow women. Help me Lumpy, you may be my only hope. ;-)
Lumpy, I will keep a careful watch on the neighborhood. I know that it is only a matter of time before the Beasts arrive. They have taken over at work. Women right and left are forced to stay home and try to defend their homes. Some come back after six weeks and some never return. I am unsure of the fate of those who never return but I fear that the Beast has won in all these cases.
You're already four months in, Lumpy. It's too late for you now.
I love the way you word things. Now that you explained the beast to me, I get your stories. Great, witty writing. I like your blog.
Courtney - you are far to kind. Thank you very much. I'm glad you're enjoying it. I managed to catch a couple more of your articles earlier to day and got a big kick out of the one where you were thinking of changing your name. Were most of those Hebrew in origen? Anyways you're quite the writer yourself. Keep up the good work.
JD - I fear you are quite right. Still it is to late for me to turn back and I have never been the type to roll over and give in so I fear that both I and the Beast are in for a quite a time of it.
Toad - Goodness gracious me. Women disappearing. I wonder where they have been spirited off to. Was this done all at once? Like the story of the pied piper? Or has it been one at a time? Perhpas we should alert the authorities.
Samantha - My My. Yes we must indeed work together. Perhaps a network of informants would be able to provide a united front that would slow the invasion. I do not recall my wife getting an injection; however, I have no idea what goes on while I am in my box at work. Indeed someone could have given my wife an injection against her will.
The Lumpy
Thank you for your comments on my blog. I didn't know people from random places would read it, besides my friends.
Thanks for your kind words though, and just fyi, I passed my test with only one flaw: forgot to stop at a stopsign.
Thank you again,
!Me~
This is really hilarious stuff!! I'll definitely be back to read more about your dealings with the Beast.
My careful scan of the neighborhood was not careful enough. I heard rumors that the Beast plans on invading in 7 months. Luckly the plans that were discovered seem to show that the beast is going next door.
The Insane one - Congrats on passing your test. I hope you mean you didn't come to a full stop at a stop sign as opposed to you just ran the thing.
Monique - I'm glad you had a good time and I look forward to seeing more of you. Thanks.
Toad - You gave me way to big a shock for a Monday morning. Not very nice. I nearly fell out of my work chair. Luckily the last line caught me before I fell.
I really was hoping that you would fall out of your chair. Glad I could keep you on your toes.
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