On the Wrong Side of the Law
Dear Mr. OR,
It would seem that I am a criminal. Or at least a legal deviant.
I was sitting in the bathroom two nights ago reading a book while my darling bride bathed the Beast; an activity I don't take an active role in as I hope that lack of adequate personal hygiene may prompt the Beast to seek more suitable environs. My wife on the other hand refuses to leave the Beast in its filth and though I don't agree I will not actively restrain her from the activity either as a previous attempt nearly resulted in the soiling of my favorite reading chair. So as my wife bathed the Beast I sat and watched hoping for a clue that would finally swing the occupation in my favor allowing me to oust the manipulative intruder.
Sitting there watching the Beast splash and make a watery mess of the area all around it I realized that the Beast truly enjoys water. Perhaps the Beasts origin is a place of great wide open watery spaces. I could picture Beasts of all shapes and sizes frolicking and splashing in watery swamps not unlike little Alligators in Georgia. Then it occurred to me.
I remember reading about some people in an email who had flushed an alligator down the toilet and the alligator had been found happily running around in the sewage system some time later. The fact that the Alligator had grown to enormous proportions did not escape my thoughts; however, the point is that, the Alligator neither returned to its original home nor did it hurt anyone as no one that I am aware of lives in the sewer system.
After its bath my wife handed me the Beast to dry it off. An activity I typically engage in strictly to keep my house from the water damage that would be incurred should the Beast be left to air dry as it wandered around destroying everything in its path. As my wife left the room I put my newly formed plan into action. I quickly placed the Beast in the toilet and flushed. And flushed. And FLUSHED. To no avail. The Beast stared at me smiling maliciously as it splashed and played in the swirling water as if to rub in my defeat.
This only strengthened my resolve. And so I grabbed the Beast from its personal whirlpool, wrapped it in the towel and made a run for the door. Out in the street I quickly found a man-hole cover and with great effort hoisted it into the street. So intent was I on getting the cover open that I did not notice the police car until after he had turned on his lights effectively stopping me with the Beast in mid air over the gaping hole.
It took a great deal of persuasion and discussion to keep the officer from handcuffing and taking me to the station. It turns out it is illegal to drop Beasts into the sewage system in my town. My guess is that they must grow to such enormous proportions that they clog the sewage system. The officer did; however, give me a ticket for removing a man-hole cover without a license. I was not aware that I needed one. And so I write to you in my free time as I wait to pay my fine. I remain always;
Respectfully Yours,
The Lumpy
It would seem that I am a criminal. Or at least a legal deviant.
I was sitting in the bathroom two nights ago reading a book while my darling bride bathed the Beast; an activity I don't take an active role in as I hope that lack of adequate personal hygiene may prompt the Beast to seek more suitable environs. My wife on the other hand refuses to leave the Beast in its filth and though I don't agree I will not actively restrain her from the activity either as a previous attempt nearly resulted in the soiling of my favorite reading chair. So as my wife bathed the Beast I sat and watched hoping for a clue that would finally swing the occupation in my favor allowing me to oust the manipulative intruder.
Sitting there watching the Beast splash and make a watery mess of the area all around it I realized that the Beast truly enjoys water. Perhaps the Beasts origin is a place of great wide open watery spaces. I could picture Beasts of all shapes and sizes frolicking and splashing in watery swamps not unlike little Alligators in Georgia. Then it occurred to me.
I remember reading about some people in an email who had flushed an alligator down the toilet and the alligator had been found happily running around in the sewage system some time later. The fact that the Alligator had grown to enormous proportions did not escape my thoughts; however, the point is that, the Alligator neither returned to its original home nor did it hurt anyone as no one that I am aware of lives in the sewer system.
After its bath my wife handed me the Beast to dry it off. An activity I typically engage in strictly to keep my house from the water damage that would be incurred should the Beast be left to air dry as it wandered around destroying everything in its path. As my wife left the room I put my newly formed plan into action. I quickly placed the Beast in the toilet and flushed. And flushed. And FLUSHED. To no avail. The Beast stared at me smiling maliciously as it splashed and played in the swirling water as if to rub in my defeat.
This only strengthened my resolve. And so I grabbed the Beast from its personal whirlpool, wrapped it in the towel and made a run for the door. Out in the street I quickly found a man-hole cover and with great effort hoisted it into the street. So intent was I on getting the cover open that I did not notice the police car until after he had turned on his lights effectively stopping me with the Beast in mid air over the gaping hole.
It took a great deal of persuasion and discussion to keep the officer from handcuffing and taking me to the station. It turns out it is illegal to drop Beasts into the sewage system in my town. My guess is that they must grow to such enormous proportions that they clog the sewage system. The officer did; however, give me a ticket for removing a man-hole cover without a license. I was not aware that I needed one. And so I write to you in my free time as I wait to pay my fine. I remain always;
Respectfully Yours,
The Lumpy
posted by Julia Reffner | Tuesday, April 04, 2006
11 Comments:
Could you imagine the movies we could have about the Beast in the sewers?
oh gosh, this has to be the funniest episode for awhile. i can't believe you did NOT know of this law. haven't you heard of the teenage mutant ninja turtles? no beasts are allowed into the sewers not with those competitive teenage turtles down there, hogging up the place. no way would they even allow it for one minute. that beast would not survive one moment. the policeman knew this i'm sure. and he is not happy about your lack of knowledge. statistics show that people are ticketed everyday for lack of knowledge.
i'm just having a hard time getting past your sitting on the toilet during the bathing ritual. please say the lid was closed.
Lumpy -
While reading your latest correspondence, I could not help but smile, and yet, I was horrified at the possible outcome. Indeed, research indicates that Beasts do indeed enjoy water - it was your discovery of this on your own that made me smile. However a moment of sheer terror enveloped my mind when you spoke of ridding yourself of the Beast this way!
I have seen Beasts much bigger than yours enjoying not the clean water that fills your bathtub, but rather, the dirty muddy waters after a rainstorm.
It is my hypothesis that this filthy lumpy water only encourages the growth of the Beast. Had you succeeded in your hastily-drawn plan, you may have inadvertantly caused the doom of us all! If the Beast had gotten into the filth of our sewage system, I can only imagine the proportions it could have attained! And you already think its head is large!
I believe your darling wife is inadvertantly on to something - she is keeping the Beast clean (something that will hopefully hinder its growth), but by doing so, she is distracting it with the water it loves so much.
Stay strong, my friend, and tough times will pass. Did you try and pass the Beast off to the policeman for proper disposal?
~ quint
I'm new to your blog and have to admit to being a bit confused, and slightly disturbed. lol
The answer to all riddles cleared things up,... a bit. :)
Thanks for stopping by my blog.
You're Back! I just realized that you were the one who commented on my blog. I was getting too upset checking your blog and not seeing any more posts. I couldn't take it anymore. Now I have to catch up! I love catching up.
You mean your wife let you BACK into the house after THAT??!!
Another failed attempt, Lumpy.
You are going to have to be swift and stealth from now on.
I fear The Beast has outmaneuvered you once again.
Toad - I'll bet it would end a bit like War of the Worlds begins. With a giant Beast bursting out from underneath the city.
Susiebadoozieqzee - I was most certainly ignorant of the man-hole cover law and thus am another statistic point in this case. I figured that putting the Beast in the sewer might be illegal but I was hoping to not get caught. And yes the lid was closed during the bathing ritual.
Quint - It did not even occur to me that the Officer may know of the proper way to dispose of the Beast. I was too busy trying to talk my way out of prison time. Should dirty water cause the Beast to grow I will be greatly dissappointed as it will mean large expenditures of cash for distilled water as even our tap water has basic impurities and chemicals in it. I shall have to keep an eye on the Beasts size.
~jennifer - Just think when I first started I didn't have The Answer to All Riddles. I found too many people were getting confused which killed the whole blog. As for being disturbed I can assure you that at no time were any Beasts harmed in the making of this blog.
the Village Idiot - Good too see you old friend. My sense of humor has been described as dark before. I'll shall try to keep my blog from becoming excessivly so.
l.britt - I'm back. I completely understand and must appolagize for my lack of writing. It should not happen again. Sorry that it happened at all. I hope I can live up to your expectations.
Jamie Dawn - My wife unfortunatly had no choice in the matter as I was holding a dripping wet beast in some not so tropical weather. For once the Beast and I both wanted the same thing. To go inside. The Beast has indeed outmanuvered me again yet I still have fight left in me. Although I will need to work on my stealthyness.
The Lumpy
I must admit that I too was SO confused when I read this post, but then I followed the link to the answer to all riddles and now I understand:)
Thanks for visiting my blog, please come back.
I also am new to your blog and was confused until I read the answer to the riddles. Whew!! Had me worried there for a bit!
I hope the beast is too small to remember how you tried to put her in the sewage system.
I'll be checking back to read more beast stories!!
I can think of a couple of beasts that "the manhole cover fee", would be a SMALL PRICE TO PAY! ~ jb///
Evey - The literature can indeed be confusing. The answer to all riddles is my Catch up quick guide.
Thanks for stopping back.
Rachel - I am uncertain of the Beasts current capacity for memory as I have not been able to test it due to some particularly persistent communication problems. The answer to all riddles is a great place to start but if you have the time I do recommend reading some of the back posts as many of the posts will elude to past posts. The Oddyssey is in some ways more a story than a blog.
Jaws - I'm always delighted to hear that people enjoyed reading. Lord knows I'm having fun writing these. Thanks for checking in.
Lz Blogger - I think it would in deed be a small price in my case as well but I fear being thrown into prison by the Red Cross should they find out that I forcibly ejected the Beast into an unsuitable environment illegaly. I've heard a great deal about prison and very little of it sounded pleasent.
The Lumpy
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