On Vacations
Dear Mr. OR
Please forgive my tardiness once again in sending my communication to you but I have been on a bit of a vacation. And what a vacation it was. As I'm sure you can imagine the wife demanded that The Beast come along and this is where my latest adventure begins.
For once I was not against bringing The Beast along. I mean if we left it at the house who knows what could happen. The Beast could burn the house down and when I got home all my prized possessions would be nothing more than ash. That would never do. The Beast had to come. However, as is always the case with my wife, we were bringing a lot of equipment with us and space in our vehicle was limited. Being the quick thinking person that I am I quickly came up with a plan. Running to my garage I came back with a length of rope and quickly began strapping The Beast firmly to the top of our car. Well, you would have been impressed with the fit that my wife threw. I had thought that I was being generous as my first thought was to tie The Beast to my bumper and drag it along behind us.
After several minutes of heated discussion my wife disappeared back into our house and returned with one of our expensive if somewhat ineffective torture devices. I must admit I was quite confused and still am a bit befuddled at this turn of events but ever since The Beast arrived my wife has acted more and more erratic with each passing day. My wife quickly busied herself strapping The Beast into this tiny Rack like device which did not make The Beast happy in any sense of the word. Indeed The Beast screamed so loudly that my ears began to ring as if I'd spent an hour at the firing range. This having been accomplished she stuffed The Beast on the rack in the back seat of the car. This having been done my wife made it clear she was now ready to leave so off we went.
The Beast screamed most of the way to the beach before finally passing out. I shall have to pay closer attention next time to how my wife used the torture device as it apparently works for her. Once at the beach my wife and I pulled all of our stuff including The Beast out of the car and made our way to a free spot on the sand. My wife revived The Beast and removed it from the rack. I argued a little at first until my wife reminded me of all the people around and stated that she didn't want us to look like savages. I conceded and instead took The Beast and began heading for the water. Just at the edge of the waves I was stopped by the lifeguard. Apparently I am not aloud to have The Beast near the water without some kind of floatation device. It was at this point that my wife came running up holding a couple of inflated orange donut devices. At first I wasn't sure how to attach them. Then I realized that the hole in the donut is just about the same size as The Beasts neck. So without hesitation I strapped one on and brought the beast out to where it could float peacefully without hitting the bottom and there it sat, its head just above the waves bobbing like some strange cork.
The strangest thing; however, is that everywhere we went there were people looking at The Beast and smiling. Several people asked if they could take The Beast home with them. I couldn't believe it. When I finally regained my composure I quickly offered The Beast to them but each time they laughed and headed on their way. Perhaps they didn't think I was serious. So I began a small auction but just as a decent crowd was gathering and I was about to start the bidding the lifeguard came by again and informed me that I needed a permit to hold auctions in that location. I didn't have a permit. Now why so many people would want a Beast of their own or my Beast for that matter eludes me. The only thing I can think of is that there must be a market for Beast fur. I came to this conclusion because nearly everyone who stopped remarked on the color of our Beasts fur. You see our Beast has red fur which is apparently fairly rare. So it is to that end that I have bought a pair of clippers and shorn our Beast. I now have a small amount of red Beast fur for sale. Unfortunately our Beast does not have much hair as of yet but given that it is so rare I can imagine that I'll still get a decent price. So for now I am off to make a sign to put in my front yard. Red Beast Hair for sale. Get it while supplies last.
I remain always;
Respectfully yours,
The Lumpy
Please forgive my tardiness once again in sending my communication to you but I have been on a bit of a vacation. And what a vacation it was. As I'm sure you can imagine the wife demanded that The Beast come along and this is where my latest adventure begins.
For once I was not against bringing The Beast along. I mean if we left it at the house who knows what could happen. The Beast could burn the house down and when I got home all my prized possessions would be nothing more than ash. That would never do. The Beast had to come. However, as is always the case with my wife, we were bringing a lot of equipment with us and space in our vehicle was limited. Being the quick thinking person that I am I quickly came up with a plan. Running to my garage I came back with a length of rope and quickly began strapping The Beast firmly to the top of our car. Well, you would have been impressed with the fit that my wife threw. I had thought that I was being generous as my first thought was to tie The Beast to my bumper and drag it along behind us.
After several minutes of heated discussion my wife disappeared back into our house and returned with one of our expensive if somewhat ineffective torture devices. I must admit I was quite confused and still am a bit befuddled at this turn of events but ever since The Beast arrived my wife has acted more and more erratic with each passing day. My wife quickly busied herself strapping The Beast into this tiny Rack like device which did not make The Beast happy in any sense of the word. Indeed The Beast screamed so loudly that my ears began to ring as if I'd spent an hour at the firing range. This having been accomplished she stuffed The Beast on the rack in the back seat of the car. This having been done my wife made it clear she was now ready to leave so off we went.
The Beast screamed most of the way to the beach before finally passing out. I shall have to pay closer attention next time to how my wife used the torture device as it apparently works for her. Once at the beach my wife and I pulled all of our stuff including The Beast out of the car and made our way to a free spot on the sand. My wife revived The Beast and removed it from the rack. I argued a little at first until my wife reminded me of all the people around and stated that she didn't want us to look like savages. I conceded and instead took The Beast and began heading for the water. Just at the edge of the waves I was stopped by the lifeguard. Apparently I am not aloud to have The Beast near the water without some kind of floatation device. It was at this point that my wife came running up holding a couple of inflated orange donut devices. At first I wasn't sure how to attach them. Then I realized that the hole in the donut is just about the same size as The Beasts neck. So without hesitation I strapped one on and brought the beast out to where it could float peacefully without hitting the bottom and there it sat, its head just above the waves bobbing like some strange cork.
The strangest thing; however, is that everywhere we went there were people looking at The Beast and smiling. Several people asked if they could take The Beast home with them. I couldn't believe it. When I finally regained my composure I quickly offered The Beast to them but each time they laughed and headed on their way. Perhaps they didn't think I was serious. So I began a small auction but just as a decent crowd was gathering and I was about to start the bidding the lifeguard came by again and informed me that I needed a permit to hold auctions in that location. I didn't have a permit. Now why so many people would want a Beast of their own or my Beast for that matter eludes me. The only thing I can think of is that there must be a market for Beast fur. I came to this conclusion because nearly everyone who stopped remarked on the color of our Beasts fur. You see our Beast has red fur which is apparently fairly rare. So it is to that end that I have bought a pair of clippers and shorn our Beast. I now have a small amount of red Beast fur for sale. Unfortunately our Beast does not have much hair as of yet but given that it is so rare I can imagine that I'll still get a decent price. So for now I am off to make a sign to put in my front yard. Red Beast Hair for sale. Get it while supplies last.
I remain always;
Respectfully yours,
The Lumpy
posted by Julia Reffner | Wednesday, August 24, 2005
5 Comments:
Dear Lumpy,
I think they use the red beast hair to distract the baby seals.
Keep it, it will make you weepy when the beast becomes the teen.
Sincerely,
the idiot
See, now you've taken the beast into public, forever ensconcing yourself to it. *sigh* :-p
Be careful in public beaches. It is well known that The Beast sends underwater signals to other beasts. In this way, they are able to communicate with each other and brainstorm more effective ways to torture their "owners." Though calling such a person an owner, is most definitely an oxymoron. You may not have to worry about torture devices, as Beasts often participate in torture rituals within their small groups, such as the hanging pictured here.
http://gallery.ovencaek.com/3/. Apparently the beasts enjoy not only giving torture, but also receiving it. This may limit your options.
LMAO!
Great blog! Great story!
I will add you to my blogroll - thanks for stopping by and commenting.
VI - Ahhh yes the Teen. I have heard of these fearsome creatures. As I understand it there was never a creature more well suited for causing misery and chaos in a mans life than the teen. Except for maybe the Uncontented Wife. hmmm distract baby seals you say. Perhaps a trip to one of the polls for a little clubing is in order. I've already got the bait.
Samantha - Oh dear me. You mean if I take it out in public I can't get rid of it. Darn. I was planning to put a sticker on it and sell it at my wife's next yardsale.
hippolyta - Ahhh now it is all coming together. You will notice the new post involves a brand new attack by the Beast. Perhaps it received instruction on how to pull this off while at the beach. Happily though it has failed and I still rain victorious.
Marti - Wow I'm honored. Thanks for adding me and thanks for the kind words. I'm always delighted to hear that people are having fun reading this mess. Lord knows I'm having fun writing it.
Post a Comment
<< Home