On Ending Cannibalism
Dear Mr. OR,
The Beast is without a doubt a carnivore. This had already been established since we know that the Beast is cannibalistic in nature; however, I purposed to change the Beasts eating habits after waking several times to the feel of little teeth nibbling at my toes. As the Beast is getting larger by the day I fear that before very long it would be large enough that by the time I awoke it would be too late and I would be just another feast for its fiendish appetite. This of course would never do.
And so my darling bride and I began changing the Beasts diet from gruel to standard fair in the hopes that if the Beast is full it would not feel the need to forage for its food much the same as a full lion or alligator will not hunt. It was during this testing that I made a big mistake.
I have not as of yet found the time to install the zip lines in my house that I think will eventually become necessary. If you have never seen these contraptions the general idea is to tie some rope up high from point A to point B and then chain the Beast to it. This way the Beast can traverse the house but can not get into any of my precious books, several of which have already succumbed to the Beasts destructive nature. As I was saying I haven't had time to install the zip lines and made the mistake of turning my back on my darling bride while she was delivering the Beasts Food. When I returned to the kitchen I was shocked to find the wife giving the Beast a very sugary confection at the end of its meal.
I have never been a fan of the summer Olympics but for the next few hours I knew exactly what it was like to run in the long distance events as the Beast dashed with great glee from one household treasure to another ripping, tearing, and biting everything as it went. I ran nervously behind it grasping for anything I could save and hurriedly putting it out of reach. Even my darling bride got into the action although not until it became apparent that I wasn't going to remove the Beast from the cupboard which contains our bleach. And so I write to you a very exhausted Lumpy. I remain always;
Respectfully Yours,
The Lumpy
The Beast is without a doubt a carnivore. This had already been established since we know that the Beast is cannibalistic in nature; however, I purposed to change the Beasts eating habits after waking several times to the feel of little teeth nibbling at my toes. As the Beast is getting larger by the day I fear that before very long it would be large enough that by the time I awoke it would be too late and I would be just another feast for its fiendish appetite. This of course would never do.
And so my darling bride and I began changing the Beasts diet from gruel to standard fair in the hopes that if the Beast is full it would not feel the need to forage for its food much the same as a full lion or alligator will not hunt. It was during this testing that I made a big mistake.
I have not as of yet found the time to install the zip lines in my house that I think will eventually become necessary. If you have never seen these contraptions the general idea is to tie some rope up high from point A to point B and then chain the Beast to it. This way the Beast can traverse the house but can not get into any of my precious books, several of which have already succumbed to the Beasts destructive nature. As I was saying I haven't had time to install the zip lines and made the mistake of turning my back on my darling bride while she was delivering the Beasts Food. When I returned to the kitchen I was shocked to find the wife giving the Beast a very sugary confection at the end of its meal.
I have never been a fan of the summer Olympics but for the next few hours I knew exactly what it was like to run in the long distance events as the Beast dashed with great glee from one household treasure to another ripping, tearing, and biting everything as it went. I ran nervously behind it grasping for anything I could save and hurriedly putting it out of reach. Even my darling bride got into the action although not until it became apparent that I wasn't going to remove the Beast from the cupboard which contains our bleach. And so I write to you a very exhausted Lumpy. I remain always;
Respectfully Yours,
The Lumpy
posted by Julia Reffner | Friday, March 31, 2006
10 Comments:
Lumpy -
Zip lines, are you mad?! Then the Beast will be, at least, at eye level! Trust me - you do not want this to happen. The Beast can be hypnotizing when looking directly into its eyes...
For example, watch your darling wife next time she makes the mistake of getting down to the Beasts level. Once she looks into its eyes, all sense and reason will leave her mind and she will begin uttering sheer nonsense.
I have seen this happen many times in my research, and it usually happens with the younger Beasts. I'm working on figuring out what "Oooosh-ah-baybay" means.
~ quint
When our Beasts were small, we were forced to build a massive shelving system: the lowest shelf was five feet above floor level, on which to place virtually all personal possessions.
The cats also learned to run a lot faster after the first few nibbles - LOL
So glad you are back to writing!
I wish you'd give us an updated pictoral glimpse of The Beast. It sounds simply hideous.
Most Beasts are carnivorous and cannot be dissuaded from this. I'm sorry to tell you, but your toes are and will forever be fair game.
Keep The Beast as full as possible at all times!
If you'd like a good chuckle to lighten up your stressful situation, give The Beast a lemon wedge. Have a video camera on hand to catch its expressions because they will be priceless.
Amusing little blog you have here (thanks for the riddle answer page, btw)
I'll be back for more adventures.
LOL on the chase. Those Beasts sure do have a way of being destructive. And it is always your most treasured possessions they go after first. Hide your cherished books, Lumpy. Hide them quickly.
well, i'm fairly sure that as the beast moves through the beastly developmental stages, it will figure out that the toes are very stinky, and repulsive. it will move onto other things. so don't fret. that is, unless it is a Big Foot trick, wherein you are coating the toes with sugary stuff, in order to trick the beast, and capture it for research and testing?
I believe the Beast is not only a carnivore, it's cunning. It probably ignores the useless, cheap books and directly attacks the expensive and cherished ones.
Methinks the Beast is trying to break you down psychologically.
You are back and I missed it. I am so happy that you have returned.
Quint - Indeed you are correct about the Beasts effect on my wife. Perhaps zip line is the wrong name. where as the line is up above my head the Beasts leash would allow it to scamper along the ground keeping it out of eyesite. I wish you the best of luck with your research and trust that you will forward on any results.
Marti - I've noticed my cats are moving around the house much quicker lately as well. Perhaps this is the reason. I'm not certain that we have the ceiling space here to put everythign up five feet but I deffinantly know a few items that will very soon be at that height. It's good to be back.
Jamie Dawn - I have commenced a serious feeding redgiment lately that should keep the Beast well fed. I will be picking up some lemons this afternoon. Perhaps I may be able to send an image of the Beast as it eats the wedge. I sill have to see.
Curious Servant - Thanks for stopping buy. It's always nice to see new faces. I look forward to seeing you again.
Monique - I possess far too many books to hide although the prize of my collection has made it to the top shelves in my humble abode.
Susiebadoozieqzee - I'm sorry too say that I lake the necessary courage to use appendages as bait; however, I am happy to hear that toe nibbling is just a phase. I was beginning to get worried.
The Phoenix - Me thinks you are correct. The Beast does indeed frequently go directly for my most prized books; however, as these books have mostly migrated to homes on higher shelves the Beast has had to make due with less treasured fare.
Toad - Always a pleasure to hear from you. Yep I'm back and I'm glad to see you're still writing too. I look forward to hearing from you.
The Lumpy
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