On Oceans and Burritos
Dear Mr. OR,
I have recently had a discovery. In keeping with the principles of the scientific method I have begun to monitor the Beast. This should allow me to predict its movements and also to learn why it does some of the things it does. It was with this in mind that I found myself sitting in my favorite chair pretending to read a book while my wife and the Beast were both lounging on a blanket in the middle of our floor. The Beast was making its usual gurgling sound. The latest in a string of sounds the Beast has been making and my wife was reading a book and watching the Beast at the same time. How she manages to do this I do not know. My darling bride has always been able to pay attention to more than one thing at a time and no matter how many times she shows me how to do it I am completely incapable of this feet.
Well the longer I sat watching the Beast the more convinced I became; the Beast comes from some place very wet. Like a swamp, or an ocean, or perhaps even Venus. I can never be sure as my searches through National Geographic have, as of yet, not turned up any articles showing where these little monsters come from. I came to this conclusion because the Beast seams to require that its skin stay moist. To this end it makes a constant stream of water like goo within its mouth which it then sticks its hands into and shortly there after wipes all over anything that is within reach including itself. Anything we put the Beast in eventually looks as though it has recently been sprayed with water from a fire hose. I also noticed that whenever we attempt to place the Beast on its stomach it almost immediately begins a swimming type motion not all that different from a frogs swimming motion. Both legs come up together and then thrust violently down and together at the same time while the head stays very high in the air. I would assume this is to keep the head above the waves so that the Beast can breathe.
I was so intent on these thoughts that I forgot I was supposed to look as though I was reading. Well the Beast looked over at me and must have realized what I was doing as it grabbed hold of the blanket it was seated on and began rolling over and over until it had wrapped itself into a tight burrito shaped cocoon. At first I was fascinated by this reaction; however, my wife was less than pleased. With a yell about the Beast not being able to breathe she immediately removed the Beast from its shell and took the Beast into the other room. And so here I sit with nothing better to do than to read the book I had been pretending to read in the first place. I remain always;
Respectfully Yours,
The Lumpy
I have recently had a discovery. In keeping with the principles of the scientific method I have begun to monitor the Beast. This should allow me to predict its movements and also to learn why it does some of the things it does. It was with this in mind that I found myself sitting in my favorite chair pretending to read a book while my wife and the Beast were both lounging on a blanket in the middle of our floor. The Beast was making its usual gurgling sound. The latest in a string of sounds the Beast has been making and my wife was reading a book and watching the Beast at the same time. How she manages to do this I do not know. My darling bride has always been able to pay attention to more than one thing at a time and no matter how many times she shows me how to do it I am completely incapable of this feet.
Well the longer I sat watching the Beast the more convinced I became; the Beast comes from some place very wet. Like a swamp, or an ocean, or perhaps even Venus. I can never be sure as my searches through National Geographic have, as of yet, not turned up any articles showing where these little monsters come from. I came to this conclusion because the Beast seams to require that its skin stay moist. To this end it makes a constant stream of water like goo within its mouth which it then sticks its hands into and shortly there after wipes all over anything that is within reach including itself. Anything we put the Beast in eventually looks as though it has recently been sprayed with water from a fire hose. I also noticed that whenever we attempt to place the Beast on its stomach it almost immediately begins a swimming type motion not all that different from a frogs swimming motion. Both legs come up together and then thrust violently down and together at the same time while the head stays very high in the air. I would assume this is to keep the head above the waves so that the Beast can breathe.
I was so intent on these thoughts that I forgot I was supposed to look as though I was reading. Well the Beast looked over at me and must have realized what I was doing as it grabbed hold of the blanket it was seated on and began rolling over and over until it had wrapped itself into a tight burrito shaped cocoon. At first I was fascinated by this reaction; however, my wife was less than pleased. With a yell about the Beast not being able to breathe she immediately removed the Beast from its shell and took the Beast into the other room. And so here I sit with nothing better to do than to read the book I had been pretending to read in the first place. I remain always;
Respectfully Yours,
The Lumpy
posted by Julia Reffner | Tuesday, October 04, 2005
19 Comments:
If you are new to the Oddyssey or having a hard time understanding what is going on here is a short list of mysteries and their answers to help you navigate through the literature.
The Lumpy - The lumpy is our author and hero who is fighting to keep control of his household from what he believes to be a tiny invader he refers to as the Beast. Lumpy loves to read, hates noise and is in correspondence with a gentlemen named Mr. OR about his on going battle.
Lumpys Darling Wife - The Lumpy was and is happily married to a women who is having her mind controlled by The Beast. Hence she is often found fighting on the side of the Beast although from time to time she breaks the spell and gives Lumpy a chance at thwarting the Beasts plan to take over Lumpys household.
The Beast - The Beast in real life is, in fact, my six month old daughter who is the joy of my life but in the realm of the Oddyssey she is a tiny invader trying to take over the Lumpys happy home. The Beasts main weapons to date are Noise and mind control tactics as well as very substances that the Beast is able to excreate from its different orifaces.
The Red Cross - Referes specifically to the Lumpys-in-laws who are another semi-antaganistic force within the Oddyssey (This is not factual in real life if they happen to be reading this). The Red Cross looks at the Beast as Prisoner of war and; therefore, demands that the Lumpy treat the Beast humanly.
Various Lumpy Family Members - Until such time as these people become a fleshed out part of the Oddyssey they shall remain mainly keepers of the Beast while the Lumpy and his wife escape for one purpose or another or else a curiosity whose actions towards the Beast the Lumpy does not understand.
As I'm sure you have noticed there are some inanimate objects that play a role in the oddyssey as well and require a description.
Lumpys Box - Lumpy is a cubicle worker and is forced to spend many hours each day simply sitting in his box staring at the walls. This is how the Lumpy makes money for all of his plans. Why they pay him to do this he is still unawares.
Torture Devices - Lumpys torture devices are in actuality the standard toys and carseats and other baby parafanalia that most of us receive at baby showers. The Lumpy doesn't understand that these things are to keep the Beast safe and happy as the Lumpy can not comprehend why someone would want to do such a thing.
The Beasts Plastic Bottom - This is refering to diapers which The Lumpy began buying and wrapping the Beast in after his wife threatened to wipe the Beasts soiled bottom on The Lumpys favorite reading chair.
Ok. So that is the list as I am able to think of it at this moment. If you guys can think of any other questions or additions I'd be happy to explain them and add them to the list. That way I'll have the list ready if I ever figure out the correct way to post it.
The Lumpy
"With a yell about the Beast not being able to breathe she immediately removed the Beast from its shell and took the Beast into the other room."
Lumpy was she impling that it was your fault the beast did this?!
~Cyradis
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Lumpy -
This goo concerns me. As I have stated in the past, my studies have shown that this goo is a sure-fire sign that the Beast is alive. However, the amount of goo being produced by the Beast invading your home (or should I say, invited into your home by your wife) is a concern.
I fear for your well-being, Lumpy. It appears that the Beast has found a new method of resistance to your attempts of torture. The Beast is using its copious amounts of goo and ability to produce even more goo than expected to attampt to drown you out of your home.
Since the Beast is currently small, it may not be able to produce enough to drown you yet, but beware! If it doesn't drown you, it may find a way to soak you in this goo and make you feel uncomfortable and, well, sticky. Swimming lessons and goggles may be necessary purchases.
As far as the cocoon goes, this is an ominous sign. Perhaps the Beast is trying to hibernate for the coming cold months. Or perhaps it needs a cocoon in order to become a Beast of even bigger proportions.
The thought chills my bones.
~ quint
I'm wondering if The Beast is going to learn the English language before too long...
Lumpy will not handle this well at all when those gurgling sounds turn into language. The Beast will certainly be plotting to take over the household then because it will be able to command and demand.
How frightening and funny this is going to be!
Lumpy - cool! Now I can figure out who's who. You may want to put this on a post, then point to it via your sidebar. I love knowing who all the characters are.
I totally misread The Beast character. I get it now.
You say you think the Beast may hail from a swamp-like location? Get thee quickly to the Everglades, where you can place the Beast in its natural habitat, and before long the alligators will surely take the Beast off your hands! ;)
Cyradis - To be honest I am not sure what my wife was thinking at that moment. Personaly I would have left the Beast right where it was but my wife came to it's rescue. I am a bit concerned about what that could mean.
Quint - I do not believe that the goo the Beast has been excreating is a danger for flooding as it seams to evaporate before that much can build. It is; however, rather adhesive and I'm finding that clothing which has been drenched with the substance often has white outlines where the goo had once been. As for the cocoon I have noticed that the Beast has been growing a bit larger. This has been concerning me as well. I shall keep a lookout for any other cocooning that the Beast may do. Perhaps if I don't let it cocoon itself it will stop growing.
Jamie Dawn - Indeed a beast that could learn our language would be formidable as it could then use our own social systems against us. I would have to be much more carefull around the red cross for example. Perhaps I could learn to throw my voice. hmmmm.
I'm Your SOB - Long time no see friend. I hope all is going well. Ahhh the basement. Now there is an excellent idea. The main difficulty will be how to get my wife away from the Beast long enough for the Beast to grow tired. She would never allow the Beast to stay in the basement for more than a few minutes. I will be looking into this.
Fred - Ah glad were all together again. Sorry about the confusion. I honestly think that is the part that most people have trouble with and I've had to mention it several times. Is there a way to set a post as older than it really is. I'm cool with posting it I just would rather not post it in the middle of the narative.
Monique - Oh dear me. The everglades. But that would require traveling. Where as I think that idea would work quite nicely and I think you for it you must understand. The Lumpy is deathly scared of traveling. Still perhaps if... I will be putting great amounts of thought into this.
The Lumpy
Lumpy: This is a fascinating concept and really well-written. You have hooked poor Ol' Hoss and become No. 106 on his hit parade. Can I get a 25-hour day somewhere?
Old Hoss - Wow. What a great compliment. Especially from someone who made the top of Jamie Dawns Geniouse list. Thank you.
The Lumpy
HUMMM….Yes the basement idea sounds good. You might want to do this quickly before the beast masters the language or even worse learns to move on its own. A walking and talking beast will ruin your peace forever. There will be no getting rid of the beast once it can point out who you are and where you live.
You can change the date of any post. Look at the bottom of the Blogger "Edit Post" window, just above and to the right of the Save Draft and Publish buttons.
Let there be great fear in your heart my friend. I know of what I speak, having had home and hearth invaded by multiple beasts!
It will become mobile! Yes, horrror of horrors, soon it will be moving about your abode entirely on its own power! This is going to require a massive re-do, known as "baby-proofing", which is basically putting all of your possessions on the ceiling.
Sorry to have to convey this dreadful news, but perhaps forewarned is forearmed.
On a more technical note, if you'd like to learn how to place something at the top of your blog (like the explanation) and have it remain there, write me and I'll send it to you.
Lumpy: You can change a date of a post anytime you want when you're in the "edit" phase. You can also put the characters on your sidebar. Lot and lots of choices!
Brilliant concept! Thanks for the explanation, but in truth, I could see what the whole thing was about even without it. Splendid writing.
The Beast has already won. Sad News. Sometimes ANOTHER Beast appears after a couple of years. Scary, yes, but you need to know.
What a fantastic discovery! :)
sounds like the beast needs a restrain of some sort..rolling around till your as tight as a burrito is only going to lead to a mexican food fetish..
and who really needs that??
Toad - Indeed. I shall begin preparations upon my basement immediatly. I shall have to come up with a list of necessary hardware. Do you know where I can get a document on what is the minimum the Red Cross allows in comforts when it comes to cells?
Savtadotty - Thank you. I had never noticed that before. Guess I just get into writing mode and the whole rest of the world goes away for a little bit. I shall put this to good use by the end of the day today.
Marti - Oh goodness gracious me. How does one get all of their possessions onto ones ceiling? I shall either need to buy many many hammocks or perhaps I should simply have the house rebuilt upside down. I would indeed like to know how to make some text stay at the top of the blog. I was going to reinput the profile section and just edit out the profile but if you have another way I'd be interested to hear it. I'll try and email you today. Thank you marti.
Fred - Thank you. I never noticed the date change section. Probably because when I get in writing mode I become rather oblivious to everything except the story playing out in my head. I don't want to put the characters on the side bar because I dont really want to make the deffanitions so promonant so I'm thinking post em in the back and add a link at the top for anyone who needs it. I think half the fun for some people is figuring out what the heck I'm talking about.
Tan Lucy Pez - I live in dread of the idea that another Beast would take up residence in my small homestead. One Beast has been challenge enough but two would be absolutly dreadful.
Thank you for the compliments. The explination is there because I have found that about half the people who happen upon the Oddyssey are confused on a couple of points and I want everyone to have a good time. On a personal note I loved the picture of you in the glasses with the large nose. Absolutly classic.
Courtney - Yes indeed. The Beast is such an intruiging arch nemesis that one can hardly keep from finding fantastic discoveries as there is so much that is unexplained. Glad to see you again by the way. The paintings your mother posted were absolutely amazing. Very well done.
Christina - I certainly do not need a Mexican food fetish. Indeed Mexican food has an effect on the Lumpy which he will not discuss here as it is unpolite to talk of such things in mixed company.
The best I can do is the Geneva Convention. Look in chapter two for QUARTERS, FOOD AND CLOTHING OF PRISONERS OF WAR. Perhaps this is close enough.
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