On Ending Cannibalism

Dear Mr. OR,

The Beast is without a doubt a carnivore. This had already been established since we know that the Beast is cannibalistic in nature; however, I purposed to change the Beasts eating habits after waking several times to the feel of little teeth nibbling at my toes. As the Beast is getting larger by the day I fear that before very long it would be large enough that by the time I awoke it would be too late and I would be just another feast for its fiendish appetite. This of course would never do.

And so my darling bride and I began changing the Beasts diet from gruel to standard fair in the hopes that if the Beast is full it would not feel the need to forage for its food much the same as a full lion or alligator will not hunt. It was during this testing that I made a big mistake.

I have not as of yet found the time to install the zip lines in my house that I think will eventually become necessary. If you have never seen these contraptions the general idea is to tie some rope up high from point A to point B and then chain the Beast to it. This way the Beast can traverse the house but can not get into any of my precious books, several of which have already succumbed to the Beasts destructive nature. As I was saying I haven't had time to install the zip lines and made the mistake of turning my back on my darling bride while she was delivering the Beasts Food. When I returned to the kitchen I was shocked to find the wife giving the Beast a very sugary confection at the end of its meal.

I have never been a fan of the summer Olympics but for the next few hours I knew exactly what it was like to run in the long distance events as the Beast dashed with great glee from one household treasure to another ripping, tearing, and biting everything as it went. I ran nervously behind it grasping for anything I could save and hurriedly putting it out of reach. Even my darling bride got into the action although not until it became apparent that I wasn't going to remove the Beast from the cupboard which contains our bleach. And so I write to you a very exhausted Lumpy. I remain always;

Respectfully Yours,

The Lumpy

On Psychological Warfare And The Shrugging of the Shoulders

Dear Mr. OR,

So much has happened since I was last able to sit and send you a note. In fact too much has happened for me to give a complete synopsis within this letter. So we shall pick an item each time until we are back up to speed. Let’s see...

The Beast has begun learning the primary tool of psychological warfare. Where the Beast acquired the knowledge for this new attack I do not know as I am not a government operative. I can only assume that it has been reading up on the subject during the long visits to the library which the Beast is constantly taking my wife on. And so it is with profound displeasure that I report the Beast has begun to speak.

As in all such cases the Beast began with gestures of defiance. I believe it began this way in order to test its control over my wife. Indeed I observed with alarm as my wife told the Beast not to do something and the Beast turned around and vigorously shook its head left to right. Well I dare say that the Beast was unhappy with the outcome as my wife promptly made sure that the Beast could not complete its activity. However, as time has passed I noticed that my wife would not as often keep the Beast from doing things she had told it not too and now when the Beast shakes its head my wife simply shrugs her shoulders and lets the Beast go about its business. Very disturbing indeed.

For example. The Beast has taken to protesting about the food we have been feeding it. It would seem that as the Beast gains a more permanent foot hold it begins to make demands. It is content only for as long as it has to be and so when it has decided that it doesn't like something, such as its food, it deposits it upon the floor by way of flinging the item or substance as far from itself as it can. Picking up the item and returning it to the Beast results in an endless round robin of wills to see who will cave first. I tested this once to get a better idea of what I was dealing with. After two hours of returning an item to the Beast only to have it throw the item back to the floor I finally gave up in despair and went to my study to read some George Elliot.
It would seam that I have my work cut out for me.
I remain always;

Respectfully Yours,

The Lumpy

On Comas and Returns

Dear Mr. OR,

I must once again give an apology for my lack of correspondence. You see I was typically able to correspond during a few free moments I was able to obtain between intense sessions of box staring. However; that time has been removed from my day and as all of my free time at home has been taken up with contending with the Beast I have had precious little time for correspondence.

Indeed I have had precious little time for anything other than box starring of late. You see there is a new craze in the world of box staring that demands that a person meditate on the way that their box looks. Well for quite some time now it has been a notable fact that the Lumpy is above average when it comes to anything that requires intense mental focus to the exclusion of any outside stimulus. And so I went after this latest technique with vigor.

When my taskmasters noticed my innate abilities in this area they accelerated my program and before I knew what had happened I had achieved a state of hyper-meditation so closely resembling a coma that even my physician began to become suspicious.

I have recently resurfaced from this state several pounds lighter and very bewildered about the state of all things involving calendars, schedules, and the passage of time. As my apatite returns to me and I find myself once again functioning on the cognitive plain I have begun to carve out a little piece of time outside of work where I can once again correspond on a regular basis. Wish me luck dear friends and we should be in regular touch.

Respectfully yours,

The Lumpy

P.S. In all seriousness I've been absent due to pressures at my job that have required my full attention. I do intend to be back on a regular schedule here again and would like to thank those of you crazy enough to keep checking this once active blog in the hopes of its Phoenix like rebirth. Special thank you’s to Susie, Marti, Toad, and My wife for your encouragement and diligents in requesting my return.