On Fish Swimming Upstream
Dear Mr. OR,
Given the last few weeks events and the Beasts newest attack I felt it was high time I did some experimentation. Especially after being warned by so many people that the Beast is likely to unleash more biological attacks in the future. So with this in mind I set out to discover what delivery method the Beast was using for transfer of the disease from itself to my wife and me.
The first thing I needed to do was send my wife out of the house without the Beast. This as it turns out was a very easy task. Perhaps the virus had weakened the Beasts mind control over her. And so with a quick request for a few things and an offer to take care of the Beast my wife ran for the door quicker than I have seen her move in months and was gone.
Delighted by the ease of this success I immediately grabbed the Beast and began my observations. I turned the Beast this way, then that, picked the Beast up, flipped it upside-down. After this brief search I pondered again the clear goo that the Beast seams to constantly produce and a thought came to my head nearly instantly. The goo would make an excellent transfer mechanism for a biological weapon. Both my wife and I had gotten the goo on us just prior to being sick and there were goo spots all over the house. My mind full of my new hypothesis I began to put a plan in action for gathering of goo samples that I could then test for the presence of biological entities.
I made my way to the garage dragging the Beast and a chair behind me. Once in the garage I strapped the Beast to the chair. It must have realized its danger then because it immediately began making tons of noise but not even noise could pull me from the deep focus I'd found in beginning this experiment. I ran to the corner and found my industrial strength shop vac and plugged it in. Pulled the duct tape off of the top shelf and with lightning quick speed I had the end of the vacume duct tapped to the Beasts mouth. With great glee I flipped the switch and was surrounded by the hum of a vacume cleaner doing its job. I took a peak at the Beast whose eyes had grown larger than I remember ever seeing them before. I inspected the tube to make sure that the goo was being harvested in ample quantities and was amazed to see the Beasts tongue flapping back and forth in its mouth like a little fish swimming upstream against a mighty current. I was so fascinated that I failed to hear my wife walking in through the door behind me.
With a shrill shriek she flipped the switch and yanked the hose from the Beasts mouth dripping some of the goo on my work table. I quickly got a dish for the goo to drain in and then turned to face my wife but by that time both she and the Beast had disappeared into the bowels of our home. My goo collected; it is time for me to find some testing kits as I appear to be freshly out of them so I stored the Beast goo in the fridge and retired to the living room where I could curl up with a good book. I have seen neither my wife nor the Beast since my wife came home but I'm hoping to see them soon as I am hungry and it is nearly time for supper. I remain always;
Respectfully yours,
The Lumpy
Given the last few weeks events and the Beasts newest attack I felt it was high time I did some experimentation. Especially after being warned by so many people that the Beast is likely to unleash more biological attacks in the future. So with this in mind I set out to discover what delivery method the Beast was using for transfer of the disease from itself to my wife and me.
The first thing I needed to do was send my wife out of the house without the Beast. This as it turns out was a very easy task. Perhaps the virus had weakened the Beasts mind control over her. And so with a quick request for a few things and an offer to take care of the Beast my wife ran for the door quicker than I have seen her move in months and was gone.
Delighted by the ease of this success I immediately grabbed the Beast and began my observations. I turned the Beast this way, then that, picked the Beast up, flipped it upside-down. After this brief search I pondered again the clear goo that the Beast seams to constantly produce and a thought came to my head nearly instantly. The goo would make an excellent transfer mechanism for a biological weapon. Both my wife and I had gotten the goo on us just prior to being sick and there were goo spots all over the house. My mind full of my new hypothesis I began to put a plan in action for gathering of goo samples that I could then test for the presence of biological entities.
I made my way to the garage dragging the Beast and a chair behind me. Once in the garage I strapped the Beast to the chair. It must have realized its danger then because it immediately began making tons of noise but not even noise could pull me from the deep focus I'd found in beginning this experiment. I ran to the corner and found my industrial strength shop vac and plugged it in. Pulled the duct tape off of the top shelf and with lightning quick speed I had the end of the vacume duct tapped to the Beasts mouth. With great glee I flipped the switch and was surrounded by the hum of a vacume cleaner doing its job. I took a peak at the Beast whose eyes had grown larger than I remember ever seeing them before. I inspected the tube to make sure that the goo was being harvested in ample quantities and was amazed to see the Beasts tongue flapping back and forth in its mouth like a little fish swimming upstream against a mighty current. I was so fascinated that I failed to hear my wife walking in through the door behind me.
With a shrill shriek she flipped the switch and yanked the hose from the Beasts mouth dripping some of the goo on my work table. I quickly got a dish for the goo to drain in and then turned to face my wife but by that time both she and the Beast had disappeared into the bowels of our home. My goo collected; it is time for me to find some testing kits as I appear to be freshly out of them so I stored the Beast goo in the fridge and retired to the living room where I could curl up with a good book. I have seen neither my wife nor the Beast since my wife came home but I'm hoping to see them soon as I am hungry and it is nearly time for supper. I remain always;
Respectfully yours,
The Lumpy
posted by Julia Reffner | Friday, October 21, 2005
12 Comments:
Lumpy -
The goo is indeed very likely the Beasts mechanism for infection. However, it concerns me that you have placed you sample of goo in the refridgerator for storage. Your food is in there, my good man!
In your haste to send your correspondance, you may have missed a small detail about your experiment: When you attached the shop vac to the mouth of the Beast, your wife was quick to appear at the door. It seems to me that however long the Beast relinqushed it's mind control powers over your wife, as soon as it realized it was in distress, it grabbed her stronger than it had in the past, and summoned her to its aid. In this state, I wonder if your wife will be able to provide adequate dinner. With the Beast so penetrating her brain, she may only focus on it, and actually seemingly forget about you.
This is disconcerting, however, I am still working on my devious device - and plan - and this may help ease the mind control once again. Before I finish it though, let me ask you - is there a member of the Lumpy clan you trust? When you implement this plan and device, you may need the assistance of another person, and if your wife is under deep mind control, she may be of no use...
~ quint
I would avoid vacuum experimentation in the future, due to the fact that it could potentially and permanently harm The Beast. I would, instead, recommend taking the goo to a doctor to have it cultured. This can be extracted easily with a nose suction device that can be purchased in many fine stores. Beasts generally hate them, but they're quite effective.
Good deducing on your part. Dinner may not be forthcoming since your wife may be angry with you about the vacuuming thing. I suggest you whip up a Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich.
i have never tried the experiments with the shop vac, but now u got me curious:-)
Your investigational tactics are quite clever! (Even more so since you amazingly discovered that I am working on creating a new blog, to which I will eventually relocate). Ha ha, you can now very truthfully say you were the first to see the design that is still very much in progress. I wrote about your discovery on my regular blog just moments ago.
PS: One thing I've always wondered about your blog -- who is Mr. OR?
come on people, he didn't REALLY hook the vacuum to the Beast with duct tape. Only a complete idiot would do that. I sense a little "embellishment" in lumpy's little story, <:-}
Quint - Indeed it had not occured to me that it may be a bad idea to put the goo in with our food. I suddenly feel very silly. The Beast has indeed latched onto my wife in a very strong way and the two are unseperable at the time of this writing. There is a person or two whome I trust although managing to get them over to the house can be difficult. I look forward to hearing your plans.
Saurkraut - Nose suctioning device? Is it like a miny vacuum cleaner? I'm all for anything that the Beast doesn't like so I will have to get me one of these Nose suctioning devices and use it on the Beast regularly.
Jamie Dawn - Dinner was in deed not forthcoming. My darling wife refused to leave the room all night which made me rather sad. The Peanut Butter and Jelly; however, was delicious.
Its just me - lol. It is indeed quite the experience for all involved. Should you attempt it I would be interested to hear of your experience.
Monique - I hope you don't mind but I was curious what you posted about me so I stopped on by again and left my comments there.
Susie - Thanks for coming. Always happy to have a new visitor. I've been struggling a little bit on how to answer this and decided I better jump out of character for a min. Indeed you are correct. I think most of my regular readers would agree when I say the best way to read the Oddyssey is like a piece of fiction or the same way you would a movie. Well 90% of my posts are grounded in real life activities they are highly embelished, writen with lots of tongue in cheek, and over all ment to entertain. My desire here on the oddyssey is to make a mentally engaging site. To this end there are times when part of the fun is figuring out the riddle of what I'm talking about when I refer to say the torture devices I use on the Beast. Part of the fun can be choosing a character yourself and engaging in the conversation in the comments section (something quint does very well). And hopefully part of the fun is seeing through all the cleaver writing and remembering the way your own children, if you have them, were when they were that age. These are my goals and I hope I am successful.
The Lumpy
Oh Lumpy my dearest friend...you must be very careful that the beast doesn't turn your bride against you with these experiments" that you get caught doing. I agree with quint...the refridgerator is not the best place to store such materials. ;) Maybe a cooler with a lot of ice.
Oh and send my respects the the honorable Mr. OR.
~Cyradis
A shop vac? Where were you thrteen years ago when my children were 1, 2, and 3? I could've used this!!
P.S. Make sure you have a silencer next time. Things will go much better.
Okay, I can play along, that dang social worker reality person rears it's ugly head too many times. But indeed it is highly entertaining, and i've sent it on to friends as well, so will be keeping up on the saga.
I can't help you though, my own beast had mind control before even he was born. It was downhill from there, and still to this day has managed to guide and direct my path in ways I never thought possible.
blog on <:-}
P.S. Thanks for the link to the characters.
Cyradis - I am happy to report that I have removed the Beast goo from the refridgerator and moved it to a cooler in my garage. I too fear that the Beasts constant control of my wife may have some lasting effects after the Beast leaves thereby causeing some friction between the two of us. All the more reason to get rid of the Beast quickly.
Fred - A silencer. Excellent idea my friend. Can I buy one of those at your average hardware store? In regards to the link to the characters you are most welcome. I found several people were having the same problem and so hence something was desperatly needed. Thank you for drawing this problem to my attention so that I could take care of it.
Susie - I completely understand. I shudder to think of the things you must see in your line of work. I would like to assure you; however, that no infants were hurt or made uncomfortable in the creating of this blog. That having been said I hope you enjoy reading as much as I'm enjoying writing and I look forward to seeing your comments.
The Lumpy
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