On Wetsuits and Cannibals
Dear Mr. OR,
I regret to report that the Beasts goo making abilities appear to be getting worse with time. Why every time my wife wipes its face it is only seconds before the Beast is soaked in the substance again. This only strengthens my current conviction that the Beast comes from a very moist environment. I have noticed, due to a very unpleasant incident in which my wife required that I assist her by holding the beast for a few minutes, that when this substance gets on clothing the clothing becomes very uncomfortable to wear. So as I'm sitting there in my rather sticky and uncomfortable Beast soaked clothing I began to put my mind to work on how I could forever keep my clothing and the Beasts' goo separate. I'm almost ashamed to admit that it took me several minutes to come up with a solution. The answer was easy. Wetsuits. I remember reading that wetsuits are designed to trap a layer of water inside of them which warms up due to the person’s body temperature and helps insulate the person wearing it.
So with this in mind I strapped the Beast down grabbed the wife and off we went to the local surf shop. Upon entering I knew I was in for a challenge. The young man at the counter across from the door spotted me almost instantly. Before I knew what had happened I was run over by a barrage of words about this product and that item and how they even had surf boards for the Beast. My first thought was that a surf board for the Beast may not be a bad idea as I hear they look like tempting morsels to marauding sharks. Then I remembered how there aren't really many sharks around here and it would probably take way to long to get the Beast attacked as sending it out to sea with a dead tuna strapped around its leg would probably look rather suspicious when the police officers investigated.
With as much patience as I could muster, as the clerk was still attempting to sell me his entire inventory, I explained that we were just there to buy a wetsuit for the Beast. It would appear that I had hit the jackpot. They had any surfing gear you could ever want in this store, I know because the clerk told me four times in three minutes, but it turns out they did not have a Beast size wetsuit. Ok, we'll take the next size up I said. And when all was said and done I walked out of the store with, my wife, the Beast, a lighter wallet, and a me sized wetsuit. Oh well. It will do. I told myself on the furious drive home. And it has indeed. The Beast is now the proud wearer of the latest in surfing fashion.
And so encouraged by that success I went on to attempt one more item for the day. For some time now I have been attempting to figure out the Beasts language by watching it while it interacts with other infiltrators. However, I have been foiled in large part because I do not get to observe the Beast during these encounters for more than a few minutes at a time. Well after observing a few duck hunters during my last hunting excursion a possible answer came to me. Perhaps if I were to set the Beast up with a decoy. And so for the second time today I went to the store. This time my purchase was easy and I was home with my decoy not long after I had left. Upon my arrival I quickly found my wife, explained my intentions, and dragged her and the Beast into the living room where I would be able to study the Beast at length without foregoing any of the comforts that my modest dwelling has to offer.
Well at first the Beast simply stared at the decoy but after a while it started in with it's Beastly language and I began recording the conversation phonetically. The conversation seamed to go quite well for a few seconds. The Beast even made a joke, I assume, because the Beast burst into peals of giggly laughter. And then without warning the Beast reached out its clawed hand, grasped the decoy by its hair, shoved the decoys face into its mouth, and immediately began to chew. I was so disturbed that I removed the decoy with out thinking thereby ruining my own experiment. It had never occurred to me that the Beast might be cannibalistic. It still gives me a shudder. And so I put the Beast back in its wetsuit and deposited it with my wife. I'm not sure where they have gone off too but perhaps they are hunting other Beasts around the neighborhood. My wife and the Beast working as a gruesome pair from some old horror movie chasing down slower wives and Beasts in order to feed on them. Although this may bode well after all. If I find some stronger Beasts perhaps they will eat my Beast and I shall finally be in the clear. I have a lot of planning to do. I shall write shortly and inform you of my endeavors. Until then I remain always;
Respectfully yours,
The Lumpy
I regret to report that the Beasts goo making abilities appear to be getting worse with time. Why every time my wife wipes its face it is only seconds before the Beast is soaked in the substance again. This only strengthens my current conviction that the Beast comes from a very moist environment. I have noticed, due to a very unpleasant incident in which my wife required that I assist her by holding the beast for a few minutes, that when this substance gets on clothing the clothing becomes very uncomfortable to wear. So as I'm sitting there in my rather sticky and uncomfortable Beast soaked clothing I began to put my mind to work on how I could forever keep my clothing and the Beasts' goo separate. I'm almost ashamed to admit that it took me several minutes to come up with a solution. The answer was easy. Wetsuits. I remember reading that wetsuits are designed to trap a layer of water inside of them which warms up due to the person’s body temperature and helps insulate the person wearing it.
So with this in mind I strapped the Beast down grabbed the wife and off we went to the local surf shop. Upon entering I knew I was in for a challenge. The young man at the counter across from the door spotted me almost instantly. Before I knew what had happened I was run over by a barrage of words about this product and that item and how they even had surf boards for the Beast. My first thought was that a surf board for the Beast may not be a bad idea as I hear they look like tempting morsels to marauding sharks. Then I remembered how there aren't really many sharks around here and it would probably take way to long to get the Beast attacked as sending it out to sea with a dead tuna strapped around its leg would probably look rather suspicious when the police officers investigated.
With as much patience as I could muster, as the clerk was still attempting to sell me his entire inventory, I explained that we were just there to buy a wetsuit for the Beast. It would appear that I had hit the jackpot. They had any surfing gear you could ever want in this store, I know because the clerk told me four times in three minutes, but it turns out they did not have a Beast size wetsuit. Ok, we'll take the next size up I said. And when all was said and done I walked out of the store with, my wife, the Beast, a lighter wallet, and a me sized wetsuit. Oh well. It will do. I told myself on the furious drive home. And it has indeed. The Beast is now the proud wearer of the latest in surfing fashion.
And so encouraged by that success I went on to attempt one more item for the day. For some time now I have been attempting to figure out the Beasts language by watching it while it interacts with other infiltrators. However, I have been foiled in large part because I do not get to observe the Beast during these encounters for more than a few minutes at a time. Well after observing a few duck hunters during my last hunting excursion a possible answer came to me. Perhaps if I were to set the Beast up with a decoy. And so for the second time today I went to the store. This time my purchase was easy and I was home with my decoy not long after I had left. Upon my arrival I quickly found my wife, explained my intentions, and dragged her and the Beast into the living room where I would be able to study the Beast at length without foregoing any of the comforts that my modest dwelling has to offer.
Well at first the Beast simply stared at the decoy but after a while it started in with it's Beastly language and I began recording the conversation phonetically. The conversation seamed to go quite well for a few seconds. The Beast even made a joke, I assume, because the Beast burst into peals of giggly laughter. And then without warning the Beast reached out its clawed hand, grasped the decoy by its hair, shoved the decoys face into its mouth, and immediately began to chew. I was so disturbed that I removed the decoy with out thinking thereby ruining my own experiment. It had never occurred to me that the Beast might be cannibalistic. It still gives me a shudder. And so I put the Beast back in its wetsuit and deposited it with my wife. I'm not sure where they have gone off too but perhaps they are hunting other Beasts around the neighborhood. My wife and the Beast working as a gruesome pair from some old horror movie chasing down slower wives and Beasts in order to feed on them. Although this may bode well after all. If I find some stronger Beasts perhaps they will eat my Beast and I shall finally be in the clear. I have a lot of planning to do. I shall write shortly and inform you of my endeavors. Until then I remain always;
Respectfully yours,
The Lumpy
posted by Julia Reffner | Friday, October 07, 2005
13 Comments:
Lumpy -
Cannibalism is a concern, especially if your wife and the Beast are off hunting other wives and Beasts. Hopefully, you wife will always remain the faster and not be picked off by some young, hungry, Beast-touting wife. I've also heard that sometimes, Beasts and wives travel in packs and purchase multi-colored items.
It is with this concern that I must announce to you that I have been working on a device of such deviousness that the Beast may not be able to resist its powers.
As you noted in your previous correspondence, your wife followed you around your previously happy home, eventually convincing you to become, as you put it, a mule.
While reading some of your past correspondance, I realized that you were forced from your home in other occasions as well. The device I am developing takes this fact into consideration.
I am not yet ready to divulge the workings of this device, but when it is ready, I will send it directly to you. Do with it what you must.
~ quint
What is going to be fun is when, in a few months, The Beast points to the neighbor guy and says, "Da!" What makes this fun is you get to shop at that store that has all the spy gear. Spy gear is a lot of fun to have. You will never be happier.
Quint - I was originally worried for the safety of my wife; however, the Beasts wetsuit is so oversized that my wife is forced to wrap it around her middle to keep from tripping on it. This provides her with a layer of rubbery armour that should provide enough protection for them to win the battle should meet some quicker cannibles.
I must profess some curiosity as to the nature of the device that you are developing. I will be awaiting its completion and arrival with bated breath.
Old Hoss - Indeed that will prove interesting. Especially since the Lumpys neighbors appear to view him as somewhat of a curiosity. This is most likely because he spends so much of his time indoors. Add in the mention of spy equipment within their hearing and we just might have the makings of a real life "The Burbs".
The Lumpy
by the way...that was me...southern in my soul..LOL
sorry i forgot to log out of that one..please forgive me lumpy:)
Christina - For a second there I was all excited to see that I had a new reader. Then I got all excited that I have a regular reader who was returning. It is a pleasure to hear from you in all of your magnificent forms. And now I have another one of your pen names so that I can perous yet another one of your blogs.
The Lumpy
Lumpy: You've been quite busy and very inventive in your problem solving endeavors. The wet suit idea was brilliant.
Well, it's good you found out about the Beast's cannibalistic appetite before it gets large enough to dine on you. I wish you luck because you are going to need it.
Are you aware that most animals salivate before they start to eat? Having all that goo on you makes me wonder about the Beast's intentions. God be with you!
Lumpy,
I have an idea for your goo problem. When I had little beasts of my own and they had goo like yours, we plugged their mouths causing them to suck the goo inwards. It worked like a charm!
~Cyradis
Question: Does the beast have teeth? That would be dangerous. I hope for your sake that it does not have teeth.
Your wife seems to have been completely taken over by the beast. Is it brain control? Is there any hope left that she might ever again be normal?
How about projectile goo? Wait until The Beast masters that technique. Be prepared. Be very prepared.
A decoy! Brilliant, except for the cannibalism.
Jamie Dawn - I'm a bit curious as too the Beasts intentions as well now that you mention it. Perhaps it is time to lookinto buying some chains so I can lock the Beast in the basement. It simply wouldn't do to go to bed and wake up to find the beast gnawing on my leg one evening.
Cyradis - That sounds like a wonderful idea. What did you use to plug their mouths?
Tan Lucy Pez - The Beast does not as of yet have teeth but it still has a rather painful crushing bite. I do indeed spot the marks of mind control in my wife. I believe she fell victim due to her emotional nature. It is my hope that if the Beast is eliminated that my wife will return to her wonderful cheery self.
Fred - As of yet we have not seen any projectile goo although we have had a run in with some foul liquid which the beast attempted to hurl at us. The result; however, was only about two inches of distance in this case.
Monique - Why thank you. Let us hope that my wife and I can keep the Beasts Cannibalism in check.
The Lumpy
Lumpster....it is called a pacifier....You can find it in any beast section in the store and they do not harm your wallet too much. Give this pacifier to the beast when it drools a lot, but do not give it to it to often for it will become too addictied to it and you will end up a slave to its will, however in moderation it is harmless.
~Cyradis
GROW IT YOURSELF!
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