On Dear and Moose and the Ways of the Wild
Dear Mr. OR,
The Lumpys darling bride has always enjoyed celebration. She scarcely needs an excuse to have a party. So when the somewhat inappropriate occasion of the anniversary of the Beast infiltrating our home was upon us my wife quickly began preparations for a celebration. As for my part I've learned to stay out of her way when these things happen as somehow any involvement on my part makes every misfortune a direct result of my presence. And so when she told me I shrugged and began to fortify myself for the inevitable trials that would be forth coming.
As I went through the many ways in which I could survive this ordeal the one that sat at the top of my list was to barricade myself in my study and not leave until the danger had passed. This had a few drawbacks. First it left my wife all alone with a bunch of cannibalistic animals. Second it did not allow me to gather useful information about Beast behavior that I might be able to exploit later and third it provided an excellent opportunity for others to drop by with their Beasts and leave with out them. Well this would obviously never do. And so on the day of the party I built up my courage, put in some ear plugs, and anxiously sat at the door awaiting the arrival of twice as many people as my lovely home could comfortably fit.
Having successfully packed my house so full of people that it was impossible for anyone to sit down due to lack of room I pushed, shoved, and crawled my way over to where the Beasts were congregated. Upon arrival I noticed a few of the larger Beasts appeared to be Male. Now although I am not fond of television I did own one for a time and would often watch documentaries and nature programming, the only two areas that could hold my interest. I noticed instantly that there appeared to be some kind of mating ritual going on. The largest male beasts were both pushing and shoving and generally trying to wrestle each other into submission not unlike the wild moose and dear during the mating season. Well at first I wasn’t sure why so I quit watching the fighting Beasts and looked around. It was only then that I noticed my Beast. Sitting quietly watching the male Beasts with great interest. With great horror I realized that my Beast must be female. I couldn’t control myself, I panicked. I quickly grabbed my beast and ran screaming from the room knocking people over as I ran. If my Beast were permitted to produce offspring then I would never again be the master of my house.
It wasn’t long until my wife found me and blaming the mass exodus of people on my actions sent me to my study where I have spent a great deal of time gathering my thoughts and trying to calm down enough to write you this letter. I remain always;
Respectfully Yours,
The Lumpy
The Lumpys darling bride has always enjoyed celebration. She scarcely needs an excuse to have a party. So when the somewhat inappropriate occasion of the anniversary of the Beast infiltrating our home was upon us my wife quickly began preparations for a celebration. As for my part I've learned to stay out of her way when these things happen as somehow any involvement on my part makes every misfortune a direct result of my presence. And so when she told me I shrugged and began to fortify myself for the inevitable trials that would be forth coming.
As I went through the many ways in which I could survive this ordeal the one that sat at the top of my list was to barricade myself in my study and not leave until the danger had passed. This had a few drawbacks. First it left my wife all alone with a bunch of cannibalistic animals. Second it did not allow me to gather useful information about Beast behavior that I might be able to exploit later and third it provided an excellent opportunity for others to drop by with their Beasts and leave with out them. Well this would obviously never do. And so on the day of the party I built up my courage, put in some ear plugs, and anxiously sat at the door awaiting the arrival of twice as many people as my lovely home could comfortably fit.
Having successfully packed my house so full of people that it was impossible for anyone to sit down due to lack of room I pushed, shoved, and crawled my way over to where the Beasts were congregated. Upon arrival I noticed a few of the larger Beasts appeared to be Male. Now although I am not fond of television I did own one for a time and would often watch documentaries and nature programming, the only two areas that could hold my interest. I noticed instantly that there appeared to be some kind of mating ritual going on. The largest male beasts were both pushing and shoving and generally trying to wrestle each other into submission not unlike the wild moose and dear during the mating season. Well at first I wasn’t sure why so I quit watching the fighting Beasts and looked around. It was only then that I noticed my Beast. Sitting quietly watching the male Beasts with great interest. With great horror I realized that my Beast must be female. I couldn’t control myself, I panicked. I quickly grabbed my beast and ran screaming from the room knocking people over as I ran. If my Beast were permitted to produce offspring then I would never again be the master of my house.
It wasn’t long until my wife found me and blaming the mass exodus of people on my actions sent me to my study where I have spent a great deal of time gathering my thoughts and trying to calm down enough to write you this letter. I remain always;
Respectfully Yours,
The Lumpy
posted by Julia Reffner | Wednesday, April 12, 2006
8 Comments:
Oh Lumpy, You are in trouble. You never were very good with females but a female beast might be to powerful for you.
Lumpy -
Beasts breeding! Heaven forbid! We are already infested as it is! You must try and stop this plague before it can continue.
~ quint
You can't stop Nature. You might want to fortify your home with a tall metal wall around it and some security cameras.
Oh, Lumpy, keep that female Beast away from the males of the species. Keep her far, far away.
She was watching the males with great interest, huh? And at such a YOUNG age.
That female Beast of yours is trouble for sure!
I would call a vet and look into at what age Beasts can be fixed. Can you imagine MORE Beasts invading your home?
Jaws - Lets hope not. Although currently my Beast refuses to leave the vicinity of my wife.
Toad - Indeed I must admit a fair amount of confusion when it comes to the ways of the opposite sex but let us hope that I am up for any challenge that the Beast can throw my way.
Quint - I shall indeed stop what little of it is under my control. I have already begun looking into devices that can help me. Although I have no idea what it is as of yet I have heard of a divice that sound promising. I believe it is called a convent. I'll let you know when I know more.
The Phoenix - Security Cameras shouldn't be a problem. I can pull that off but metal walls may prove to be a problem. The Lumpy has never been very good at construction work.
Monique - That is my goal. Let us hope that I am successful for the sake of all happy households.
Jamie Dawn - The Beast is with out any doubt what-so-ever trouble. What a splendid idea! It hadn't occured to me that the vet might be able to fix The Beast. I shall make the necessary phone calls this afternoon.
The Lumpy
You will always be at fault, so long as a beast is in your house.
You will also be responsible if there is no beast in the house.
that is a great source of stress. really, maybe you should not let them in your house anymore. but i think if you study up on it, you will find that beasts are not in any shape to mate at this age. so relax in your study, you have some time left. perhaps you can read a book on the maturation of beasts? Beast maturation for dummies?
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