On the Zoo and Getting Rich

Dear Mr. OR,

As you are aware the Beast has been learning the manners of our cats over the last few weeks. Where as The Beast has not yet learned the cats way of getting around the house it has become very apparent that the Beast is trying. It has also begun growing a set of strong sharp claws. It has already used these claws in a most unforgiving manner against my person. While my wife and I were tending to my wounds it occurred to me that the Beast has become more like the large cats found in Africa than like the small house cats we have at home. I believe this for several reasons. First the Beast lies around in shady places most of the day not unlike lions at watering holes. Second the Beast growls continually at everything around it. Its growl has grown very loud not unlike the roar of a lion. Third the Beast has a set of very large claws that it can use to tear the flesh of its prey just like a lion does.

As I was pondering these ideas I came to the understanding that people pay good money to go to the zoo and see lions. Naturally I began to wonder if people would pay to go to the zoo and see the Beast. Of course they would. The Beast has all the elements required for a good zoo display. The Beast is dangerous, aggressive, has lovely rare fur. Why I'll bet I would make a killing. And so I set about building my exhibit. First I modified some of the barred cells that I still have from laying around from the time I put the Beast in solitary confinement. I made them more spacious so it would appear the Beast had room to roam. Something that I am sure is more illusion than true as every zoo I have ever been too the animals never move more than five feet in any direction. This was accomplished quickly and insured that I would not have to suffer a law suit from the P.E.T.A.. I then whipped up some signs using spray paint that gave a brief description of the Beast and another one asking patrons not to the feed the Beast.

I now felt ready and confident in my new venture. Indeed I could nearly feel the money in my pocket as I'm sure such a unique exhibit would make me rich quite quickly. Upon putting the Beast in the cage however I quickly became aware of just how good a reach the Beast has with its claws. That would never do. Images of what could happen if an elderly person stumbled within reach of the Beasts vicious grasp filled my head causing me to shudder uncontrollably. And then I had a wonderful Idea. All I needed to do was to cap the Beasts claws. With lightning speed I rounded up the handyman’s favorite tool, duct tape, and a pair of my old socks. I put a sock on each of the Beasts hands duct taping them securely around the Beasts arms and presto! instant disarmed Beast. I have now begun selling tickets at my front door and am waiting for my first customer and should you drop by I will of course let you in at a discounted price. I remain always;
Respectfully yours,

The Lumpy