On UFOs, and How I Ended UP Making Dinner
We have found a wonderful tool. While out looking through shops filled with clothing for Beasts or old womens' small dogs, I'm not sure which, my darling bride and I happened upon a wonderful invention. It was tucked away amongst many torture devices and plastic Beast sealing kits. It is a large plastic UFO shaped device with a hole in the top that would make it resemble a doughnut if the hole went all the way through. The top is then covered with multiple gadgets and gizmos. At first I wasn't sure what it was. So I went to ask the attendant.
The attendant, a short pleasant women of about seventeen years of age, informed us that it was a Beast containment unit. You put the Beast in the hole and the Beast will sit and try to use the gadgets and gizmos on top and in so doing will leave you blissfully alone. Why would the Beast content itself with messing with some do dads on a UFO? I can only assume that it is because they resemble some sort of device from where ever the Beast comes from. Then it hit me. The designer must have been there to find out what these devices should look like. I looked all over the box to see if I could find the designers name but alas it was not on the box. I will be writing to the company shortly.
Unwilling to let this temporary set back steal my great excitement at finding such a brilliant piece of modern workmanship I quickly agreed to purchase it and my wife and I ran home to try it out. After dismissing the Beasts temporary jailer, a family member who was all too eager to play jailer to the Beast, I began assembling our new Beast containment unit or BCU for short. The BCU was easy to put together and everything was done before I had a chance to finish a cup of coffee and both my wife and I were ready to try it out. Happily we placed the Beast in the hole at the middle of the BCU and then the doorbell rang.
I slowly walked to the door watching over my shoulder all the while to see what the Beast may unwittingly reveal as it attempted to use the gadgets on top of the BCU. But before I could get there who should burst through the door but my in laws from the red cross. The usual pleasantries were exchanged and my wife and I both showed them our brand new BCU without hesitation. How very surprised I was to see that they were not delighted but instead they pulled out a notepad and began writing something they would not let me see. Next thing I knew I was nearly drowning in questions about disease possibilities, and how had the Beast been acting of late, does it seam lethargic, is it getting proper nutrition, when was the last time I had brought it over to see them. I answered each question in turn at the end of which I was feeling rather worn out and apprehensive about what was to happen next.
Well it turns out that before a Beast uses BCU that originated from an unknown origin the Beast requires some kind of immunization shots. I attempted to explain that the Beast was just leaving and so whatever disease it may have just acquired would not have time to make it into circulation but the withering look I received made it clear that this was no excuse. Just like a kitten, dog, or any other animal the Beast is susceptible to some diseases that can easily become dangerous to humans and therefore, regardless of the Beasts time of departure, the Beast must be inoculated for the well being of the populous. And so off I went to call the vet and make the appointment.
The vet informed me that they do not work on Beasts and that I would have to make an appointment with the hospital. The hospital upon hearing what was needed set us up with an appointment which my wife kept. When I returned to my place of residence that day I found my wife looking as though she had just run twelve miles and then taken on the entire Nazi army single handedly. The deafening roar coming from across the house instantly told me all that I needed to know. And so I retired to the kitchen to prepare a meal that upon attempted consumption did very little to improve my wifes mood. Never the less, with great restraint, my wife remained pleasant and sent me to my study. Why she did this I do not know but as it is the quietest place in the house I was not unhappy about the decision and all but skipped and danced on my way there. I remain always;
Respectfully yours,
The Lumpy