On UFOs, and How I Ended UP Making Dinner
Dear Mr. OR,
We have found a wonderful tool. While out looking through shops filled with clothing for Beasts or old womens' small dogs, I'm not sure which, my darling bride and I happened upon a wonderful invention. It was tucked away amongst many torture devices and plastic Beast sealing kits. It is a large plastic UFO shaped device with a hole in the top that would make it resemble a doughnut if the hole went all the way through. The top is then covered with multiple gadgets and gizmos. At first I wasn't sure what it was. So I went to ask the attendant.
The attendant, a short pleasant women of about seventeen years of age, informed us that it was a Beast containment unit. You put the Beast in the hole and the Beast will sit and try to use the gadgets and gizmos on top and in so doing will leave you blissfully alone. Why would the Beast content itself with messing with some do dads on a UFO? I can only assume that it is because they resemble some sort of device from where ever the Beast comes from. Then it hit me. The designer must have been there to find out what these devices should look like. I looked all over the box to see if I could find the designers name but alas it was not on the box. I will be writing to the company shortly.
Unwilling to let this temporary set back steal my great excitement at finding such a brilliant piece of modern workmanship I quickly agreed to purchase it and my wife and I ran home to try it out. After dismissing the Beasts temporary jailer, a family member who was all too eager to play jailer to the Beast, I began assembling our new Beast containment unit or BCU for short. The BCU was easy to put together and everything was done before I had a chance to finish a cup of coffee and both my wife and I were ready to try it out. Happily we placed the Beast in the hole at the middle of the BCU and then the doorbell rang.
I slowly walked to the door watching over my shoulder all the while to see what the Beast may unwittingly reveal as it attempted to use the gadgets on top of the BCU. But before I could get there who should burst through the door but my in laws from the red cross. The usual pleasantries were exchanged and my wife and I both showed them our brand new BCU without hesitation. How very surprised I was to see that they were not delighted but instead they pulled out a notepad and began writing something they would not let me see. Next thing I knew I was nearly drowning in questions about disease possibilities, and how had the Beast been acting of late, does it seam lethargic, is it getting proper nutrition, when was the last time I had brought it over to see them. I answered each question in turn at the end of which I was feeling rather worn out and apprehensive about what was to happen next.
Well it turns out that before a Beast uses BCU that originated from an unknown origin the Beast requires some kind of immunization shots. I attempted to explain that the Beast was just leaving and so whatever disease it may have just acquired would not have time to make it into circulation but the withering look I received made it clear that this was no excuse. Just like a kitten, dog, or any other animal the Beast is susceptible to some diseases that can easily become dangerous to humans and therefore, regardless of the Beasts time of departure, the Beast must be inoculated for the well being of the populous. And so off I went to call the vet and make the appointment.
The vet informed me that they do not work on Beasts and that I would have to make an appointment with the hospital. The hospital upon hearing what was needed set us up with an appointment which my wife kept. When I returned to my place of residence that day I found my wife looking as though she had just run twelve miles and then taken on the entire Nazi army single handedly. The deafening roar coming from across the house instantly told me all that I needed to know. And so I retired to the kitchen to prepare a meal that upon attempted consumption did very little to improve my wifes mood. Never the less, with great restraint, my wife remained pleasant and sent me to my study. Why she did this I do not know but as it is the quietest place in the house I was not unhappy about the decision and all but skipped and danced on my way there. I remain always;
Respectfully yours,
The Lumpy
We have found a wonderful tool. While out looking through shops filled with clothing for Beasts or old womens' small dogs, I'm not sure which, my darling bride and I happened upon a wonderful invention. It was tucked away amongst many torture devices and plastic Beast sealing kits. It is a large plastic UFO shaped device with a hole in the top that would make it resemble a doughnut if the hole went all the way through. The top is then covered with multiple gadgets and gizmos. At first I wasn't sure what it was. So I went to ask the attendant.
The attendant, a short pleasant women of about seventeen years of age, informed us that it was a Beast containment unit. You put the Beast in the hole and the Beast will sit and try to use the gadgets and gizmos on top and in so doing will leave you blissfully alone. Why would the Beast content itself with messing with some do dads on a UFO? I can only assume that it is because they resemble some sort of device from where ever the Beast comes from. Then it hit me. The designer must have been there to find out what these devices should look like. I looked all over the box to see if I could find the designers name but alas it was not on the box. I will be writing to the company shortly.
Unwilling to let this temporary set back steal my great excitement at finding such a brilliant piece of modern workmanship I quickly agreed to purchase it and my wife and I ran home to try it out. After dismissing the Beasts temporary jailer, a family member who was all too eager to play jailer to the Beast, I began assembling our new Beast containment unit or BCU for short. The BCU was easy to put together and everything was done before I had a chance to finish a cup of coffee and both my wife and I were ready to try it out. Happily we placed the Beast in the hole at the middle of the BCU and then the doorbell rang.
I slowly walked to the door watching over my shoulder all the while to see what the Beast may unwittingly reveal as it attempted to use the gadgets on top of the BCU. But before I could get there who should burst through the door but my in laws from the red cross. The usual pleasantries were exchanged and my wife and I both showed them our brand new BCU without hesitation. How very surprised I was to see that they were not delighted but instead they pulled out a notepad and began writing something they would not let me see. Next thing I knew I was nearly drowning in questions about disease possibilities, and how had the Beast been acting of late, does it seam lethargic, is it getting proper nutrition, when was the last time I had brought it over to see them. I answered each question in turn at the end of which I was feeling rather worn out and apprehensive about what was to happen next.
Well it turns out that before a Beast uses BCU that originated from an unknown origin the Beast requires some kind of immunization shots. I attempted to explain that the Beast was just leaving and so whatever disease it may have just acquired would not have time to make it into circulation but the withering look I received made it clear that this was no excuse. Just like a kitten, dog, or any other animal the Beast is susceptible to some diseases that can easily become dangerous to humans and therefore, regardless of the Beasts time of departure, the Beast must be inoculated for the well being of the populous. And so off I went to call the vet and make the appointment.
The vet informed me that they do not work on Beasts and that I would have to make an appointment with the hospital. The hospital upon hearing what was needed set us up with an appointment which my wife kept. When I returned to my place of residence that day I found my wife looking as though she had just run twelve miles and then taken on the entire Nazi army single handedly. The deafening roar coming from across the house instantly told me all that I needed to know. And so I retired to the kitchen to prepare a meal that upon attempted consumption did very little to improve my wifes mood. Never the less, with great restraint, my wife remained pleasant and sent me to my study. Why she did this I do not know but as it is the quietest place in the house I was not unhappy about the decision and all but skipped and danced on my way there. I remain always;
Respectfully yours,
The Lumpy
posted by Julia Reffner | Wednesday, September 28, 2005
16 Comments:
Lumpy -
The Red Cross is truly a difficult organization to work with - especially when trying to interrogate and rid yourself of such a monstrous pest!
I am sure that when your in-laws stopped by, they had a camera handy and took several pictures of the Beast. Be warned once again - my studies have shown that people who have photographs of Beasts take pride in displaying them within their homes - on walls, desks - even in their study! (Since your study is your last place of refuge, you may want to take heed) Some even place photographs of Beasts where they work - as if staring at walls isn't torture enough.
Now, these photographs may be your downfall. Soon, while looking at them, someone will make a comment like, "Look how small it was!" My studies have not shown if this comment is good or bad - I can only imagine it's bad, since a bigger Beast means you have to feed it more. Curse that Red Cross and it's humane guidelines!
Being unencumbered by a Beast of my own, and finding myself cooking for one many nights, I find a gentelman named McDonald and a woman named Wendy can provide adequate sustenance when in a pinch - especially if your own cooking doesn't do the job. There are also several places that will even bring you food, however, these places specialize in UFO-shaped pies with toppings such as meat and cheese. I'm not sure if you want UFO-shaped food in your home - especially since it appears that the Beast comes from a place that has many UFO-shaped objects.
~ quint
Lumpy,
Quint is right...in-laws are the root of all evil...if a beast can graze on grass, and play in the mud, and slither around the floor that your shoes walk upon then there is no reason the beast needs to be sanitized or vaccinated.
My idea is give them something to talk about..take your own pictures of the beast at its best! Show them!
~Cyradis
Whatever you do, make sure that PETA does not know about the Beast or your intentions towards it.
If word gets out, they will be hosting naked protests in your front yard and demanding that you treat the Beast like a queen. The BCU will be confiscated as well as all other devices of torture and confinement.
Beware!
I'm sure your wife was pleased with your dinner making efforts. Next time, just call for Chinese food.
I hope the Beast has recovered from her shots.
Poor thing. Try as I might, I can't feel anything but compassion for the little creature.
hello and thank you for stopping by. Still getting my head around your post but be warned I intend to return in the near future and try to figure it all out. lol
have a good day
very funny
Thanks I understand and will be back soon
It is great being a parent isn't it :)
Thanks for stopping by my place and the kind comment. I will be returning here often :)
Quint - They did indeed have a camera. I had thought that it was to document any abuses they could find. I shall have to keep an eye open and make sure that none of these photos begin popping up around my living areas. I find Mr. McDonalds food to be sub par although it will do in a pinch where as Mrs. Wendy makes one of the best chicken sandwiches I have had in a very long time.
Cyradis - Indeed perhaps if I get a picture or two of the Beast while it is attacking us it will help the red cross understand my point of view.
Jamie Dawn - Naked protests?! Such debautchery must never occur at the Lumpy residence. Why it would cause a public outrage. I shall be very carefull to make sure that these PETA people do not find out.
Fizzy - Glad to have you here. And I'm glad my post at your site helped clear up the confusion. I've begun linking back to previose posts to help newcomers get oriented. Hopefully after this week I can begin to put some other things into place to try and help as well since confusion seams to be everyones first response. I suppose I could put out in the description that the Beast is my daughter but that somehow feels like it might ruin the fun... I need to think about this a little bit. And yes it is great being a parent.
Brandi - Thank for stopping by. I've actually been out to your blog a couple times now but I think this is the first time I've commented.
lumpy,
here are your question ok??
1.if I could change one thing about this world what would it be and why?
2.what song takes you back to your childhood the minute you hear it? and why?
3.what has been you best day of your life so far.(excluding marrige and births of childeren..those are a give in)
4.If you could be any color in a box of crayons what color would you be and why?
5.If you had the chance to live anywhere in the world, where would you live and why?
there ya go Lumpy, I know they are lame questions...But these are things I like to know..LOL
cant wait to read your answers:)
Thanks for flagging my map! It only showed up once :)
Ha! You are to childrearing as Little Bar of Soap is to Christianity! Here's something for you! http://barofsoap.blogspot.com/
heh. xoxo
Ahhhh. I have had similar problems in raising my beasts. There are often well-meaning but militant relatives that are determined to help you, no matter how badly you wish they wouldn't.
We have had such a Beast containment unit in our home and also noted its resemblance to a UFO -- we even nicknamed ours the flying saucer. In retrospect the fact that nicknamed the Beasts' belongings doesn't bode well, does it?
O yes, the BCU is a very wonderul device--intended to amuse and delight the beast for minutes at a time--what did people do before the invention of the BCU--I have no idea!!
JB
I love this blog, but like Fizzy, I'm still trying to figure it all out. Is there one post you give us that has introduced all the main players?
Sorry about the delay guys. Lumpy has been very busy of late.
Christina - Thank you for taking the time to do the questions for me. If anyone else is curious you can find my answers to these questions at http://twentydegreesoffcenter.blogspot.com/
Well Women - I'm glad I didn't clutter up your map. I was a bit concerned there for a minute. Thanks for stopping by.
Mireille - Thanks for the link. I'll have to check it out a little later. Although I'm a little apprehensive as the Lumpy has a very strong Fundamentalist Judeo Christian orientation.
Saurkraut - Indeed I completely understand where you are coming from although the militantness of my in-laws is by in large exagerated for the purpose of furthering the plot (so to speak). Wealcome to the oddyssey by the way.
Monique - Welcome back. Where as looking on things that are associated with the Beast does not bode well, as it can lead to longings for another Beast I have been told, givning the torture devices you use on a Beast names can be quite handy when done correctly. Things like Beast Squisher should help to put some fear into the little infiltrators.
JettyBetty - Indeed the BCU is a wonderful device. It has given my wife and I several moments of peace as of lately. Prior to the BCU being around I think the Red Cross was not in existence so my guess is that they Shot the Beasts. Although I am unsure on this point. I shall have to consult my library.
Fred - Unfortunatly there is not a single post that introduces all of the main players. One of the things I have been trying to figure out how to do is make a page that contains all of the pertinenet information. Something that people new to the oddyssey could get too and read quickly but I don't want it to show up as a post. For the time being I will post in the comments of my next letter to MR. OR a bit of a cheat sheet that should help.
The Lumpy
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