On Cattle and Flypaper

Dear Mr. OR,

It has been quite the day for discovery over here at The Lumpys residence. I have finally learned what it is that The Beast eats and to be honest I feel rather foolish for not simply guessing from the beginning. The Beast eats grass just like cattle. Although I suppose the beast is a little more like a goat in regards to its eating habits as it will try and chew nearly anything. All the same this revelation came to me as I was observing The Beast in my back yard. My wife and I were enjoying the nice summer sun which is always an excuse to also enjoy some ice tea. My wife as always carried The Beast out with us and sat it down on the blanket as well. I have learned not to argue about such things as it invariably ends with me doing what ever I had been planning on doing either with an angry wife and Beast or else alone. As I studied The Beast I noticed that it was expending great amounts of energy trying to move forward. It would strain and reach and grunt and kick its legs up into the air. I find it amazing that The Beast even has legs since as far as I can tell it has no use for them. It is largely parasitic in nature and requires being lugged around by a host. Still to my amazement I noticed that all this effort was beginning to work. The beast began rotating in a clockwise fashion and slowly inching towards the edge of the blanket. After about thirty minutes of this the Beast had reached its goal and immediately began tearing large amounts of grass out of the ground and stuffing it into its mouth. Each successive handful bringing more grass and dirt up to its gapping maw.

This information couldn't have come at a better time as we are having my in-laws over for dinner whom I trust you will recall work for the Red Cross and threatened to send me to Switzerland to be tried on war crimes if I did not feed The Beast. So I have busied myself for part of the morning gathering all manner of grasses and weeds that I might feed them to The Beast tonight while my in-laws are over.

I have also found a way to keep The Beast in a safe area of the house out of harms way. The answer came to me as I was attempting to come up with ways to restrain The Beast. I recall you mentioning that duct tape could be used to silence the creature and thought that it would also make a decent restraint except that duct tape leaves behind a sticky residue that can be very difficult to clean off. Then it struck me. Velcro. And with that I was off to the store again. I came back with large quantities of Velcro and busied myself putting the Velcro onto the wall and onto a set of The Beasts clothing. Then I waited hiding the clothing very carefully where my wife was very unlikely to find it. Several hours later my wife asked me to watch the Beast as she went to the store to pick up dinner for this evenings meal with the in-laws. I cheerfully agreed which made her look at me sideways and taking The Beast I retired to the room I had previously prepared. I carefully put The Beast into its little suit and placed The Beast on the Velcro. The Beast stuck. Indeed it was hanging there like a large fly caught on some fly paper. At this point I started wondering. It would be nice for convenience sake if I didn't have to always walk over to the Velcro to put the beast on it. So I pulled The Beast free and tried gently tossing it over to the spot and was amazed to see the Velcro stuck with out a problem. So I took a step back. I was in fact practicing my hook shots and three pointers when my wife got home from the store. I have been banned from ever buying Velcro or anything sticky for the rest of eternity. I remain always;

Respectfully Yours,

The Lumpy