On Horses and Moose
Dear Mr. OR,
I am very concerned with the last several days’ events. Where to begin. Ah Yes. Last week we had a visitor come to visit us from a far off land. Another country in fact. Her and my wife planned the visit and our visitor arrived without a hitch. But what is disturbing to me is that she arrived bearing gifts. She brought with her a small rocking-moose.
At first I was elated. Now my wife would be able to remove The Beast from her hip occasionally. Then it dawned on me. Who brings a gift to a tiny little prisoner that they don't even know? I went to our local jail to see if perhaps this was a fad. After all The Lumpys never want to be out of fashion and if it is now in vogue to bring presents to inmates you don't know... Well... I have tons of interesting junk I would be only too happy to gift wrap. However, after speaking with the nice officer who oversees visitation at the jail I was assured that this is a highly unusual activity even for visitors from other countries.
Then this last weekend I huddled all of the occupants of The Lumpy Residence into the car, no small feet, and headed for a local amusement park for the day. If there were ever a residential task for which husbands should receive purple hearts it is for managing to get the occupants of his house anywhere on time. As is standard for me I would not have gained said purple heart to this date. This fact always ends in my driving like I am part of the Indy 500 and then having a heart attack the moment I see the inevitable police car waiting to catch people who are late due to no fault of their own.
We arrived at the amusement park late and proceeded inside where we met up with a large portion of The Lumpy family. This gaggle of Lumpys proceeded to move from attraction to attraction passing The Beast around so that everyone received their chance to be jailor. That is until we got to the carousel. The entire Lumpy family then out voted The Lumpy resulting in The Beast being brought onto the Carousel and placed upon a gilt covered horse. The entire Lumpy family then spent the entire ride staring at The Beast as if it were the most wonderful thing in the world to watch a Beast on a horse trying to eat the Gold painted pole sticking out of the horses back.
The overall attitude of both the Lumpy family and our guest have led me to believe that people view The Beast as some sort of pet instead of as the threat that it really is. Perhaps this is because of the clothing the wife has chosen for The Beast. It is with this in mind that I am going to the store this afternoon and buying a new wardrobe for the beast consisting of suits made of stripes or traffic cone orange. Perhaps then people will recognize that The Beast is nothing to be trifled with. I remain always;
Respectfully Yours,
The Lumpy
I am very concerned with the last several days’ events. Where to begin. Ah Yes. Last week we had a visitor come to visit us from a far off land. Another country in fact. Her and my wife planned the visit and our visitor arrived without a hitch. But what is disturbing to me is that she arrived bearing gifts. She brought with her a small rocking-moose.
At first I was elated. Now my wife would be able to remove The Beast from her hip occasionally. Then it dawned on me. Who brings a gift to a tiny little prisoner that they don't even know? I went to our local jail to see if perhaps this was a fad. After all The Lumpys never want to be out of fashion and if it is now in vogue to bring presents to inmates you don't know... Well... I have tons of interesting junk I would be only too happy to gift wrap. However, after speaking with the nice officer who oversees visitation at the jail I was assured that this is a highly unusual activity even for visitors from other countries.
Then this last weekend I huddled all of the occupants of The Lumpy Residence into the car, no small feet, and headed for a local amusement park for the day. If there were ever a residential task for which husbands should receive purple hearts it is for managing to get the occupants of his house anywhere on time. As is standard for me I would not have gained said purple heart to this date. This fact always ends in my driving like I am part of the Indy 500 and then having a heart attack the moment I see the inevitable police car waiting to catch people who are late due to no fault of their own.
We arrived at the amusement park late and proceeded inside where we met up with a large portion of The Lumpy family. This gaggle of Lumpys proceeded to move from attraction to attraction passing The Beast around so that everyone received their chance to be jailor. That is until we got to the carousel. The entire Lumpy family then out voted The Lumpy resulting in The Beast being brought onto the Carousel and placed upon a gilt covered horse. The entire Lumpy family then spent the entire ride staring at The Beast as if it were the most wonderful thing in the world to watch a Beast on a horse trying to eat the Gold painted pole sticking out of the horses back.
The overall attitude of both the Lumpy family and our guest have led me to believe that people view The Beast as some sort of pet instead of as the threat that it really is. Perhaps this is because of the clothing the wife has chosen for The Beast. It is with this in mind that I am going to the store this afternoon and buying a new wardrobe for the beast consisting of suits made of stripes or traffic cone orange. Perhaps then people will recognize that The Beast is nothing to be trifled with. I remain always;
Respectfully Yours,
The Lumpy
posted by Julia Reffner | Tuesday, September 06, 2005
18 Comments:
Amusing. It is refreshing to see others innovating the parenting blog genre. Thanks for visiting "The Pansi Files" (not your momma's mommy blog).
Woof! Are there any Lumpy pets there? This is interesting, I think.
Weirsdo - I am so very happy to hear that you are enjoying mine and Mr. ORs communications. I'm always looking for supporters as they give me great incouragement with my on going war with The Beast. :-)
Tom & Icy - There are indeed some Lumpy pets about the place. Two fairly annoying felines to be exact. As of yet they have not featured on the Oddyssey but I'm certain that sooner or later they will find their place in one of my letters.
Glad you both could stop by.
The Lumpy
I know your pain. I have two beast and two added beast. The wife our beast and her brother and sister (beast 3 and 4). We have gone to 6Flags on many occasions with all of them in tow. But the best invention to calm the caged beasts has got to be the portable DVD player. Plug in Finding Nemo and they volitale creaturs are left in awwww of the idiot box. Fear not, you are not alone. Jail is just another 4 letter word that mean home; prisoners spend their day looking to get out of bars regular ppl spend all day looking to get into bars.
Just wait until the beast begins giving verbal orders...the signs of the apocalypse will be at hand. By the way, which of the four horsemen delivered the beast unto you?
Uncle Jimbo - Judging by what it has done to my happy home it would have to be the Red horseman. The horseman of war. In fact our neighbors have put up barbed wire and I expect them to build trenches and post gaurds any day now for fear that the war zone may spread into their small habitations.
The Lumpy
I'm inclined to go along with the Beast's mother.
My little beasts were dressed in high fashion so as to attract an abundance of ooh's and ahh's from any and all who saw them.
Are they dangerous? Absolutely, but they are so cute you forget they've got you in a choke hold.
Just wait until you start recieving gifts that make noise for the Beast. Perhaps I'l bring you one.
Lumpy -
Visitors from other countries are not to be trifled with. Also, if I remember correctly, didn't this beast come to be in your residence not long after you and Mrs. Lumpy took a trip to one of these foreign countries?
Next time this visitor comes, they may bring one of those dreaded noise-making torture devices. Rest assured, you will think that these devices are made to torture the beast, since many of their functions are far too big for the Beast's small hands, but the Beats will enjoy the obnoxious sounds, and the device will be more torture for you than for...it.
You have been warned.
Oh gifts of noise, gifts of noise, great idea, great idea. Yes I feel I must repeat myself twice today.
This is the most refreshing thing I've read in a long time. What a RIOT. I love this!
Brenda Bradshaw - Wow! Thanks for the ringing endorsement. I'm glad you enjoyed it. Hope I can continue to live up to peoples standards. Thanks for coming by.
Quint, Samantha - Good to see you guys again its been a little while. The velcro was a direct off shoot of your sugestion of duct tape Sam I am. Quint I haven't forgoten about the wallet bait yet. I'll be getting to that one soon.
Jamie Dawn - Indeed if you all will permit me to take myself of my character role in the oddyssey for a minute I must admit that my darling daughter has me wrapped around her little finger.
Toad - I'd love to have you visit some time but so help me if you bring something that makes noise I'll... Oh who am I kidding. We both know there isn't a darn thing I could do to you.
The Lumpy
Don't worry I'll save the drums for when she is a little older.
No, Toad, no!
Bring over several noisy toys for the Beast right away!
This is a must!
I will think on this and look carefully for very noisey toys that do not require a battery that Mr. Lumpy cannot turn off.
If I hammer. I'd hammer in the morning. I'd hammer in the evening. All over this la-and.
The Lumpy
Interesting post, don't think I have ever read anything quite like it! lol! sounds like you and all the beasts enjoyed your little outing!
Keep up the good work! James Morgan
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