On The Adaptation of The Species
Dear Mr. OR
I was sitting in my library over the weekend when my wife approached me and demanded that I hold The Beast for a while so that she could do some things that require two hands. My wife seems to operate under the belief that putting The Beast down will result in its withering like a cut flower on a hot July day. I have; however, tested this theory and I am sorry to report that this is not the case.
So there I sat with The Beast in my lap. The two of us staring at each other. I have often in the past taken this opportunity to try and communicate with The Beast but The Beast refuses to cooperate preferring to stay silent or scream at the top of its lungs but never to converse. Not this time, however. This time The Beast had something new in store for me.
Sitting in my chair I spun The Beast around so it was looking away from me and put it in a sitting position on my lap. With The Beast in this position I can typically read at the same time I'm holding The Beast. Just as I was beginning to enjoy my book the Beast decided to soil itself. Now ordinarily The Beast soiling itself is nothing much to write about as it does this on a regular basis and ever since our first incident we have wrapped The Beasts business end in plastic so as to protect our belongings and sanity. This time was a bit different.
I am convinced that The Beast has been harnessing some kind of evolutionary power that is allowing it to mutate. How do I know this? Well for one it has nearly doubled in size over the last month. Also this last time when The Beast soiled itself it managed to fire the soilage up through the top of its plastic encasing in the back without getting any soilage in the plastic enclosure. In deed if my wife had not recently taken to dressing The Beast like an old women’s schnauzer I would have been covered with the foul stuff. As it was I have one pair of pants that I will never again wear. After much careful thought and a thorough understanding of the significance of what had just happened I called my wife to verify my findings and to help me clean up the mess. My wife; however, was unimpressed and then related to me how four days past The Beast had fired a stream of soilage out the top of its plastic encasing in the front without leaving any soilage in the plastic enclosure. What manner of biological enhancement The Beast has used to create this new onslaught I am unsure of as I am afraid to look. I can just imagine the stream of soilage The Beast would shoot forth should I begin looking around unprotected.
So far The Beast appears to be using it's evolutionary powers in awful but non harmful ways. I dread what will happen should it find a way to develop something truly dangerous. I will continue to watch for new developments. I remain always;
Respectfully yours,
The Lumpy
I was sitting in my library over the weekend when my wife approached me and demanded that I hold The Beast for a while so that she could do some things that require two hands. My wife seems to operate under the belief that putting The Beast down will result in its withering like a cut flower on a hot July day. I have; however, tested this theory and I am sorry to report that this is not the case.
So there I sat with The Beast in my lap. The two of us staring at each other. I have often in the past taken this opportunity to try and communicate with The Beast but The Beast refuses to cooperate preferring to stay silent or scream at the top of its lungs but never to converse. Not this time, however. This time The Beast had something new in store for me.
Sitting in my chair I spun The Beast around so it was looking away from me and put it in a sitting position on my lap. With The Beast in this position I can typically read at the same time I'm holding The Beast. Just as I was beginning to enjoy my book the Beast decided to soil itself. Now ordinarily The Beast soiling itself is nothing much to write about as it does this on a regular basis and ever since our first incident we have wrapped The Beasts business end in plastic so as to protect our belongings and sanity. This time was a bit different.
I am convinced that The Beast has been harnessing some kind of evolutionary power that is allowing it to mutate. How do I know this? Well for one it has nearly doubled in size over the last month. Also this last time when The Beast soiled itself it managed to fire the soilage up through the top of its plastic encasing in the back without getting any soilage in the plastic enclosure. In deed if my wife had not recently taken to dressing The Beast like an old women’s schnauzer I would have been covered with the foul stuff. As it was I have one pair of pants that I will never again wear. After much careful thought and a thorough understanding of the significance of what had just happened I called my wife to verify my findings and to help me clean up the mess. My wife; however, was unimpressed and then related to me how four days past The Beast had fired a stream of soilage out the top of its plastic encasing in the front without leaving any soilage in the plastic enclosure. What manner of biological enhancement The Beast has used to create this new onslaught I am unsure of as I am afraid to look. I can just imagine the stream of soilage The Beast would shoot forth should I begin looking around unprotected.
So far The Beast appears to be using it's evolutionary powers in awful but non harmful ways. I dread what will happen should it find a way to develop something truly dangerous. I will continue to watch for new developments. I remain always;
Respectfully yours,
The Lumpy
posted by Julia Reffner | Monday, September 12, 2005
10 Comments:
I suggest you stop feeding the beast chili
i agree a chili's are out... feed The Beast a couple bananas along with some toast...
cyr
Cyr - So good to see you. I was wondering if anyone from the guild ever stopped by. If you get a chance read On Vacations and On Geysers and Fountains. They are in the August bin and are my personal favorites. I think you'll recognize the old Lumpy rant style. :-) Hope you enjoyed the site.
Because you made a big deal out of this, the Beast has taken note of your ridiculous ado (in contrast to your wife's ho-hum response) and will now be targeting you again and again.
Lumpy, I suggest you buy several new pairs of pants.
All I can say is yucky! The Beast is far more devious than first expected.
Jamie Dawn - Oh goodness me. This will never do as the lumpy has very few soilage colored pants. I will indeed need to take a trip to the market.
Courtney - Yucky indeed. Most unpleasent. Let us hope that it loses some of its devious nature over time.
The Lumpy
lumpy,
i have proven this many times..babies will contiune to live and breath if u put them down..and trust me..when your wife is on her 3rd baby..she will realize this..lol
heck..i never put my first one down..now i never pick the 3rd one up...heehee
Where is the projectile vomit I ask, have we not moved into this stage fully? Soilage...weak. ;-)
The vomit will come in time, Samantha.
Let poor Lumpy recouperate from this incident first.
He has no idea what's in store.
Christina - 3rd!!!? 3!!? Oh my! Oh dear. Whatever would I do? How would I survive? 3. Oh goodness me. I need to go lie down.
Samantha, Jamie Dawn - Yes it would seem that The Beast has not yet mastered the art of projectile vomiting. Perhaps the Beast is defective. Do you suppose that they have first aid Beasts that come and help them with issues like that? If so do they dress them up like those saint bernards you see in the cartoons with the barells under their chins and maybe a white sweater with a red cross on the back?
The Lumpy
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