On the Aerodynamics of Gruel

Dear Mr. OR,

I have not as of yet relinquished myself to sacrificing my pocket book in order to gain the time alone with The Beast necessary for a thorough interrogation. I am in fact hoping to hold out until some major sail so as to minimize the damage.

I happened to have a visit from my in-laws lately. As you remember I find this an excellent time to sleep thereby thwarting The Beasts nightly sleep deprivation schemes which are still going on. However, this time I was not able to take my customary nap immediately as my in-laws who happen to work with the Red Cross had several things to say to me in regards to my tiny prisoner. I was able to answer most of their questions satisfactorily if somewhat dishonestly. After all The Beast has been far to cunning for me to figure out much at all about it or how it is doing. I was; however, rather stumped by the question of food. I don't recall having ever fed The Beast anything. And since it could not have survived so long without food I'm certain that my wife must have been sneaking it meals. Of course this was not ok with my in-laws or the Red Cross as they feel that I must obey the Geneva Convention and make sure that The Beast gets food. Not wanting to be inhumane I agreed and so off I went to retrieve the makings for a thick gruel.

I had only two criteria. First it must not be very palatable and second it must not fly through the air well. I had no desire to clean gruel for hours after an enraged Beast decided to throw it around the room. I had expected to have some difficulty but as it turns out there has been an epidemic of these little intruders that for many years I was largely oblivious too. Consequently there was an abundance of gruel around for the choosing in various quantities and prices. Indeed I had no idea there was such a market for foul tasting glop. Quickly picking one, shopping is not one of The Lumpys favorite activities, I checked it out and hurried home. As I arrived the in-laws were on their way out the door but informed me that they would be coming back in a day or two to see how the feeding was going. So much for my nap.

Once inside I busied myself around the kitchen preparing the gruel much to the delight of my wife who I think was happy she would not need to sneak The Beast so much food anymore. I cooked and stirred till it was just the right consistency and then let it cool. With the in-laws coming in a day or two I can't risk having a singed Beast or I may be taken before the international court on war crimes charges. Once cooled I began feeding The Beast my concoction. At first it ate hungrily. I could tell that I had picked the right one as despite The Beasts hunger it still forced half of each mouthful out onto its chin making faces all the while. I was so relieved that I failed to see the glint in its beastly eyes. In a moment when I was slightly distracted The Beast made a ptlblblblblblblbbl sound and I was covered by bits and pieces of gruel. I was quite upset as gruel does not clean out of clothing well but I was even more curious as to how The Beast had accomplished this. Gruel is not very Aerodynamic. I checked both of The Beasts hands but could not find any device. Tipped it forward, left, right, upside-down, checked the bottom of its feet. Nothing.

Tomorrow I shall keep a closer watch and see if I can find where it has hidden its little device but for now I must go and clean the rest of the gruel out of my hair. I remain always;

Respectfully yours,

The Lumpy