On Camouflage
Dear Mr. OR, I came home this evening to find the Beast wearing some rather elaborate camouflage. It would seam that the Beast is attempting to solicit empathy and compassion by assimilating the look of a family pet. It is well known that the Lumpy's have a couple of cats. These cats are very well cared for pampered creatures and it is possible that the Beast noticed the discrepancy between the way that these pets are cared for and its own treatment. I am certain that the Beast had this in mind when it convinced my wife to put a hat which has little ears attached to the side onto its Beastly head.
This was a bit of an affront when I walked through the door after a long day of box staring but as I was unsure how to react I instead choose to ignore this image and go about my usual business. The Beast and my wife also continued their routine and I was almost able to forget that the Beast had the hat on until it came time for the Beast to have its daily allotment of gruel. This it devours by the spoonful usually quietly spitting half of it back out and gulping down the rest without incident. Not today; however. Today the Beast leaned forward greedily and grunted repeatedly sounding some what like a barn yard pig. Apparently the Beast is confused about the kind of animals we domesticate for indoor life around here.
I must admit I did not at first know what the Beast was doing as I had done such a good job of ignoring the hat, my first clue. Indeed I asked my wife about her preparation of the gruel and if she had unwittingly added something to it that the Beast enjoyed. She had of course not added anything new.
And so since the Beast desires to be a pet I have decided to somewhat indulge it. All of the Beasts meals now are served in a bowl on the floor and must be contended for as it turns out our feline companions also have a voracious appetite for gruel. I have also set up another small community litter box and removed the Beasts plastic bottom so that it can use it. The usual running of the front paws through the litter was done and so I have no fear that the Beast knows what to do. And so I leave you know to clean the litter boxes. I remain always;
Respectfully yours,
The Lumpy
This was a bit of an affront when I walked through the door after a long day of box staring but as I was unsure how to react I instead choose to ignore this image and go about my usual business. The Beast and my wife also continued their routine and I was almost able to forget that the Beast had the hat on until it came time for the Beast to have its daily allotment of gruel. This it devours by the spoonful usually quietly spitting half of it back out and gulping down the rest without incident. Not today; however. Today the Beast leaned forward greedily and grunted repeatedly sounding some what like a barn yard pig. Apparently the Beast is confused about the kind of animals we domesticate for indoor life around here.
I must admit I did not at first know what the Beast was doing as I had done such a good job of ignoring the hat, my first clue. Indeed I asked my wife about her preparation of the gruel and if she had unwittingly added something to it that the Beast enjoyed. She had of course not added anything new.
And so since the Beast desires to be a pet I have decided to somewhat indulge it. All of the Beasts meals now are served in a bowl on the floor and must be contended for as it turns out our feline companions also have a voracious appetite for gruel. I have also set up another small community litter box and removed the Beasts plastic bottom so that it can use it. The usual running of the front paws through the litter was done and so I have no fear that the Beast knows what to do. And so I leave you know to clean the litter boxes. I remain always;
Respectfully yours,
The Lumpy
posted by Julia Reffner | Wednesday, November 30, 2005
8 Comments:
I bet the Beast look VERY cute with that hat on. I know it is vicious, but dangerous things can be really cute too. Maybe that's part of its danger.
I hope for your sake that the Beast successfully uses the litter box. Your lovely bride may not like it if the Beast ends up trying to eat the contents of the litter box.
If you can't beat them, join them. i say you get a hat like that, and the Beast won't like it's hat anymore when it see's how stupid the hat looks. but please, don't compete with the beast for litter space. just let the beast have the litter box. and for the love of pete, use the clumping litter. those beasts definetly pee more than cats.
Take care -- the Beast may not be as easy to litter train as the felines. As Jamie Dawn suggests, the Beast may be more disposed to eat the litter than use it for its proper purpose.
Lumpy -
I have returned from a holiday of many travels in which I encountered numerous Beasts of different sizes and shapes. These Beasts all did have one thing in common: the devouring of food followed closely by a time period in which it appears that their body shits down and forces them into a strong sleep. I also noted the fact that when these Beasts wake up, they seem to be completely recharged and ready to cause as much chaos (if not more) as they were causing before the shutdown.
After reading your letter, I have come to realize that the Beasts are more like animal companions than we first realized. Domesticated animals eat, then nap very deeply - sometimes it can be difficult to wake them up, and many dogs and cats I've seen have an uncanny ability to wake up in an instant, ready to pounce.
The Beasts I have studied are much the same - eat, shut down, and then, upon restarting, create instant chaos. Usually in a sneaky way.
My device of ingenious torture is near completion. You shall have it soon.
~ quint
The Beast is clever. I suspect that a trap is being planned using the pets as allies. It sounds like there's more of them than you now.
If you wake up one morning and find cat litter in your toliets, be afraid. Be very afraid. They're out to conquer the house!
If the Beast cannot assimulate into your world. perhaps it can of those more like itself?
I agree with Fred, beware, it is learning the wiles and ways of cats . . . this could be, ehem, catastrophic.
Perhaps you should build a barn for the Beast.
A community litter box is a wonderful idea.
make sure you get the clumps out daily thogough
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