On Democracy and The Making of Soup

Dear Mr. OR,

I have been kept from writing of late because my life has turned into a miniature study in Chaos theory. Every little change and some non-changes have resulted in unpredictable out comes of monolithic proportions. And so it is with a sigh of tired relief that I sit down to pen this letter to you in the few moments of free time I have been able to muster.

My darling bride and I have recently had a visitor. A most agreeable young woman who came to us from another country and stayed for the week. This, at first, appeared to be a spot of good fortune as the lumpys do not often receive visitors and when they do the person is almost invariably of either the sales or religious profession. And so it was with great joy and open arms that the lumpys welcomed our visitor upon her arrival.

What I had of course forgotten is they way that the Beast is able to exert control over the female half of our species. This in and of itself would not be nearly so bad if it were not for the way the lumpy household is run. You see both I and my darling wife have a great respect for the founding fathers of this great nation and so set our household up under a democratic system. Majority rules under the Lumpys roof. Well it was just the My darling bride and I this was not a problem as it insured that whatever happened we were in agreement or there would be discussion until a majority could be gained. It has not changed greatly since the Beast came as it is a prerequisite that you must be able to speak English in order to have a voice or to vote. The Beast is still speaking Beastish although it does get a proxy vote through my wife.

Well all of a sudden there were two women about for the Beast to control. The Beast went to work immediately. After a very polite and warm welcome between myself and our guest, out guest went directly to the Beast and began crooning. This was a warning sign I had seen before and the alarm bells instantly went off in my head but what can one do? After all I had already welcomed her into our home. There was nothing for it but too fortify myself for what was to come.

It took little time before I had been voted into tending to the Beast while the two women sat quietly in the other room sipping tea. The Beast set in immediately howling at the top of its lungs as if it were a wolf and my ear was the full moon. Then as the craving came over it the Beast would bang its head down on my shoulder and bite down with great force. Luckily I was wearing some very thick clothing which the Beast was unable to penetrate. The Beast did succeed in drenching most of my left side with its foul liquid; however.

As the hour grew late the women folk took to following me around remarking on this Beastly feature or that Beastly feature and in general kept me from putting the Beast down or engaging in any form of interrogation. Before very long it became quite apparent to me that no supper would be forth coming if I did not find a way to remedy this situation. Yet I could think of no solution except to make it myself. And so the Beast and I left for the kitchen, the only room that the women would not enter for fear of having to do some work, to check the fridge. A quick inspection of fridge and freezer showed that there was little to no food for the making. It would appear that the lumpys needed to do their shopping.

About this time the Beast took another attempt at biting my shoulder. Suddenly the thought hit me. We eat all kinds of animals yet I had never tried Beast. I would imagine that it could be quite delicious. As I looked around I found enough vegetables and herbs for the making of a soup and so I busied myself with cutting carrots and celery. This labor done I found a large bowl which I filled with water and put on the stove. I placed the Beast in the water, grabbed the carrots and celery and was headed for the stove when I heard a loud shriek behind me.

Both women were upon me before my outstretched foot had hit the floor and I found myself, for the first time in my life, the victim of a violent beating. Luckily for the lumpy neither woman is a martial arts expert, nor were they armed, and so I came out of the incident without so much as a bruise. I was; however, voted into the basement for the remainder of the evening where I was lucky enough to find a bag of chips which I had left down there the day before. And so I spent the remainder of the evening eating chips and feeling generally happy to be free of the Beasts wailings for the time being. I remain always;

Respectfully yours,

The Lumpy