On Mobsters and Competition
Dear Mr. OR,
My eyes have been opened in a whole new way to the amount of influence the Beast has over my darling bride. Last night the Lumpys left to meet a few of my wife’s friends. And so I happily followed my wife to what I thought would be a lovely evening of pleasant conversation. I was not; however, aware prior to the meeting that all of the other husbands had begged, lied, and bargained their ways out of coming along. So there I sat the only male surrounded by women who all had Beasts.
The conversation quickly turned to the subject of Beasts. It seams that the linguistic game is to try and prove that your Beast is somehow better than all the other Beasts while complimenting and talking about every Beast except your own. This was done largely by asking pointed questions about the evolutionary patterns of each individual Beast. This was all well and good for the first fifteen minutes but was getting a bit tiring after an hour. That is when it occurred to me. It was not the wives having the conversations but their Beasts.
As I looked around the table I could see each Beast had its poker face on. Each Beast sitting there quietly concentrating on the conversation and plotting its next linguistic attack. I could see the sinister look in the chubby eyes of the one across the table. The smug glare of the Beast too my right as its host made a particularly biting question for the host of the sinister one. My own Beast, rather gaunt next to these small fat mobsters, held an air of aloofness as if it possessed knowledge the others had not yet begun to fathom. Back and forth they went round and round the table. The Beasts constantly trying to throw each other off the track. The sinister Beast pretending to be asleep, the smug Beast pretending to pay more attention to its feeding device than to the conversation but their eyes stayed very attentive throughout and no one was ever thrown off track by their antics. Even as we loaded up the car and left you could see the combatants glaring at each other the entire trip to the vehicles.
It would seam that Beast culture is a very competitive culture in all regards. I have begun to wonder if perhaps a loss at an event such as this would mean that you would be the next meal on a cannibalistic outing. Unfortunately if this is the case I am not sure if we will soon find a Beast standing at our front door wearing bib and carrying fork and knife. Perhaps not. All Beasts seamed to leave the competition on equal footing. Pity. I remain always;
Respectfully yours,
The Lumpy
My eyes have been opened in a whole new way to the amount of influence the Beast has over my darling bride. Last night the Lumpys left to meet a few of my wife’s friends. And so I happily followed my wife to what I thought would be a lovely evening of pleasant conversation. I was not; however, aware prior to the meeting that all of the other husbands had begged, lied, and bargained their ways out of coming along. So there I sat the only male surrounded by women who all had Beasts.
The conversation quickly turned to the subject of Beasts. It seams that the linguistic game is to try and prove that your Beast is somehow better than all the other Beasts while complimenting and talking about every Beast except your own. This was done largely by asking pointed questions about the evolutionary patterns of each individual Beast. This was all well and good for the first fifteen minutes but was getting a bit tiring after an hour. That is when it occurred to me. It was not the wives having the conversations but their Beasts.
As I looked around the table I could see each Beast had its poker face on. Each Beast sitting there quietly concentrating on the conversation and plotting its next linguistic attack. I could see the sinister look in the chubby eyes of the one across the table. The smug glare of the Beast too my right as its host made a particularly biting question for the host of the sinister one. My own Beast, rather gaunt next to these small fat mobsters, held an air of aloofness as if it possessed knowledge the others had not yet begun to fathom. Back and forth they went round and round the table. The Beasts constantly trying to throw each other off the track. The sinister Beast pretending to be asleep, the smug Beast pretending to pay more attention to its feeding device than to the conversation but their eyes stayed very attentive throughout and no one was ever thrown off track by their antics. Even as we loaded up the car and left you could see the combatants glaring at each other the entire trip to the vehicles.
It would seam that Beast culture is a very competitive culture in all regards. I have begun to wonder if perhaps a loss at an event such as this would mean that you would be the next meal on a cannibalistic outing. Unfortunately if this is the case I am not sure if we will soon find a Beast standing at our front door wearing bib and carrying fork and knife. Perhaps not. All Beasts seamed to leave the competition on equal footing. Pity. I remain always;
Respectfully yours,
The Lumpy
posted by Julia Reffner | Friday, November 18, 2005
10 Comments:
It seams that the linguistic game is to try and prove that your Beast is somehow better than all the other Beasts while complimenting and talking about every Beast except your own.
Ah yes. This game also applies to mate-selection.
I have seen many of these "meetings".
My condolneces to you for having to sit thru the Beastly competion of whose beast would make better soup.
Yes yes indeed Lumpy! You want to avoid those outings like the plague, you poor poor man. The beast competition begins early and subtley and doesn't end until one of the beasts gets into an ivy league school, at which point that particular beast's parents win.
well done,
the idiot
I'm sure your Beast held her ground. I don't think any fellow Beasts would dare try and dine on her.
The stares of a group of Beasts like that had to be unnerving.
I'm seriously wondering if somehow the presence of this Beast in your home has caused you some type of brain damage? How could you fall into this trap? Do you not know to call the other husbands and confirm their attendance at such functions? Please, for the love of everything holy, use your brain. You must not slip up again, and now, the Beast saw your mistake, and will take this as a weakness, and will bring on an attack, at any given moment. watch your back!
"mate-selection" oh I shudder to think of Lumpy's responce to that one....
~Cyradis
Lumpy, Lumpy, I feel your pain. After a few of these meetings, The Missus was kind enough to give me free pass. Although, it wasn't really free. It was always dinner out on another night with a babysitter looking after three of my Beasts.
So much for a free lunch.
Ah yes, the Beast competition. It is as if the brainswashed adults live vicariously through the accomplishments of their Beasts. Never fear. You appear to be immune from such shenanigans.
even in your observation of this linguistic game, Malinowski, you take part:
"My own Beast, rather gaunt next to these small fat mobsters, held an air of aloofness as if it possessed knowledge the others had not yet begun to fathom."
LOL
Saurkraut - Does it indeed? I was not aloud to observe the games that were played durring my wife and my courting years.
Just_Christina - I pity you if you have seen so many of these meetings as I am certain that things could get quite brutal. Indeed if one beast were a sure winner I am not certain that the other beasts would not descend upon that one en mass inorder to begin their canabalistic feeding frenzy.
The Village Idiot - Perhaps I could send my Beast to an ivy league school now; thereby, succeeding in winning back my home and at the same time the Beast wins at this particular game.
Jamie Dawn - The stares were indeed quite unnerving. As for dineing on my beast; my beast is rather small and would not suffice for more than a couple of mouthfuls and is; therefore, not usually the primary target at such outings.
Susie - You are in fact correct. It had not occured to me to call the other husbands. I shall from now on make it a particular point to call them before leaving the house for an outing such as this again.
Don't Miss - I am so very glad you are enjoying the blog. As for hating me... From what I understand they always do at one point or another. I suppose mine will be no different.
Cyradis - If by mate selection you are refering to me and my wife then nothing to shudder about. If you are refering to the Beast all I can say is WHY WOULD YOU EVER ALLOW THAT TO HAPPEN!! The increasing of their species can only mean the further degredation and torture of our own. This is why I plan on making sure that my Beast never comes into contact with other Beasts of the opposite sex.
Fred - Indeed the most expensive nights of my life often started out as something free from my wife. I think it is her way of motivating me. With three beasts of your own you must have unusually strong defenses to remain as sane as you appear to be. Perhaps we can get talk some time about how you have managed to survive.
Monique - Immune? Perhaps. More aware of what is going on; certainly. Let us hope that it is enough to keep me out of the stew pot for a little longer.
Squirrleymojo - Ah yes. To observe something is to effect it. I believe there is a theory in quantum physics along those lines. Something like if you put a cat in the box and wait sufficient time for the air to run out, you don't know if the cat is alive or dead. But in the act of observing you produce the outcome. Very interesting little theory.
The Lumpy
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