On Government Interrogation
Dear Mr. OR,
I have begun to think that the government may be involved in the Beasts invasion plans or at the very least has recently become aware of them. You see we had another visit from the Red Cross the other day who upon arrival immediately assaulted me with all manor of questions about the Beast. I am happy to report that I am getting considerably better at answering these questions although I do find the exchanges to be considerably draining. This last visit ended with the Red Cross weighing the Beast and then upon noticing that she had lost weight and seeing the feeding chart I have been keeping, mostly to satisfy their questions, they demanded that I take the Beast to the hospital for some tests. And so after only a few hours at work in my box yesterday I left to meet up with my darling bride and take her and the Beast into the hospital.
As I was waiting for my darling bride to show up she was having problems of her own. Part way to the hospital the Beast became suspicious of its destination and became quite uneasy. The Beast quickly determined that it did not want this trip to proceed any further and immediately began applying its mind control techniques. My darling bride having been so well conditioned to give into the Beast by this point had no chance of resisting. The Beast first got her very lost and then forced her to run over several curbs, some broken glass, a board full of nails, and finally one cranky man named Algernon. All of this had the effect of shredding the front driver’s side tire making the car impossible to drive forward. After parking the car and helping Algernon, who was miraculously unharmed, to his feet my wife quickly caught a bus and then walked to my location.
The two of us now happily reunited we hopped into my car to continue our journey leaving the repair of her car for later. Although I am certain that the Beast tried its mind control tricks on me I am as of yet still very well fortified against them and we were able to make it to our destination without further incident.
Once there we found our selves in what appeared to be a maze for laboratory mice and I had the immediate urge to go sniffing around for some cheese but luckily there was a nice young man behind a desk in the lobby who noticed the look on my face and, after dissuading me from my pursuit of cheese, pointed us in the direction we needed to go.
It was upon our arrival at the doctors office that I figured out the government must be privy to what’s been going on. As we handed the doctor the Beast she first strapped some electrodes to the Beast and then took great pleasure in zapping the Beast over and over again. This having been accomplished she smeared the beast with some form of serum and then wrapped the Beast in saran wrap. Why I had never thought of this I do not know. She then asked us to cover the beast in several blankets and coats and other items which had the effect of turning the Beast into a giant self basting roast which could be carried from room to room. This is precisely what we did, walked room to room with our basting roast Beast. After several hours of walking we returned to the doctor who then began asking my wife questions which makes perfect sense as she is the only one of the two of us that the Beast can speak through.
The interrogation over we were released to pick up my wife’s car and to head home where I immediately sat down to write you this letter. I remain always;
Respectfully yours,
The Lumpy
I have begun to think that the government may be involved in the Beasts invasion plans or at the very least has recently become aware of them. You see we had another visit from the Red Cross the other day who upon arrival immediately assaulted me with all manor of questions about the Beast. I am happy to report that I am getting considerably better at answering these questions although I do find the exchanges to be considerably draining. This last visit ended with the Red Cross weighing the Beast and then upon noticing that she had lost weight and seeing the feeding chart I have been keeping, mostly to satisfy their questions, they demanded that I take the Beast to the hospital for some tests. And so after only a few hours at work in my box yesterday I left to meet up with my darling bride and take her and the Beast into the hospital.
As I was waiting for my darling bride to show up she was having problems of her own. Part way to the hospital the Beast became suspicious of its destination and became quite uneasy. The Beast quickly determined that it did not want this trip to proceed any further and immediately began applying its mind control techniques. My darling bride having been so well conditioned to give into the Beast by this point had no chance of resisting. The Beast first got her very lost and then forced her to run over several curbs, some broken glass, a board full of nails, and finally one cranky man named Algernon. All of this had the effect of shredding the front driver’s side tire making the car impossible to drive forward. After parking the car and helping Algernon, who was miraculously unharmed, to his feet my wife quickly caught a bus and then walked to my location.
The two of us now happily reunited we hopped into my car to continue our journey leaving the repair of her car for later. Although I am certain that the Beast tried its mind control tricks on me I am as of yet still very well fortified against them and we were able to make it to our destination without further incident.
Once there we found our selves in what appeared to be a maze for laboratory mice and I had the immediate urge to go sniffing around for some cheese but luckily there was a nice young man behind a desk in the lobby who noticed the look on my face and, after dissuading me from my pursuit of cheese, pointed us in the direction we needed to go.
It was upon our arrival at the doctors office that I figured out the government must be privy to what’s been going on. As we handed the doctor the Beast she first strapped some electrodes to the Beast and then took great pleasure in zapping the Beast over and over again. This having been accomplished she smeared the beast with some form of serum and then wrapped the Beast in saran wrap. Why I had never thought of this I do not know. She then asked us to cover the beast in several blankets and coats and other items which had the effect of turning the Beast into a giant self basting roast which could be carried from room to room. This is precisely what we did, walked room to room with our basting roast Beast. After several hours of walking we returned to the doctor who then began asking my wife questions which makes perfect sense as she is the only one of the two of us that the Beast can speak through.
The interrogation over we were released to pick up my wife’s car and to head home where I immediately sat down to write you this letter. I remain always;
Respectfully yours,
The Lumpy
posted by Julia Reffner | Wednesday, November 23, 2005
14 Comments:
Lumpy -
This interrogation sounds beneficial to you! After having seen a doctor - one recommended by the Red Cross, no less! - wrap the Beast up and prepare a basting sauce, perhaps you can utilize this strategy once you arrive home. And, should the Red Cross question your technique, you can tell them whence you learnt it!
Alas, it may be sometime before we speak again, good sir, as there is a holiday arriving in which I may not be in a position to recieve correspondance. However, during this holiday, I may come in contact with several Beasts and I hope to study them furiously. That is, if they don't use the mind control or mobster techniques...
~ quint
I wonder if the Beast will make a good side dish for Thanksgiving. Now that you know how to properly baste it.
Well I wish you a Happy Thanksgiving. I wont be around for a few weeks. Perhaps I also will study the family beasts for you but I fear being female that I may be susceptible to the mind control and therefore should hide from them.
Basted roast Beast -- how timely, with Thanksgiving tomorrow and all. Surely it's a sign?
You really need to publish these Beastly anecdotes. I check in every day to see if there is a new one.
How lucky the Beast hasn't yet been able to control your mind. Otherwise, I'm sure Thanksgiving would be a terrible day. Can you imagine what the Beast would have you do with a turkey baster? Ouch!
Here's hoping you have a great Thanksgiving. If the Beast will let you...
Happy Thanksgiving to you, your lovely bride, and yes.... even that Beast.
We travelled all day yesterday to spend Thanksgiving with my hubby's family. We will be gorging in about two hours from now. I can hardly wait!
oh you poor Lumpkin... you must be exhausted from such an ordeal.
~Cyradis
P.S. I like Quints basting sauce idea! Happy Holidays!
Red Cross? Why are they involved with your family and The Beast? Most families aren't visited by the Red Cross, and if they are it's usually due to a disaster(?) Or is The Beast in a disaster class of its own?
yes, the fBI is definetely in on it. Don't you get it? They implant their spy devices via immunizations! It's been going on for years now. Why do you think the Red Cross are so interested in you having well Beast checks all the time? they get the information and together with the FBI, they collaborate with the Beast. When will you learn. indeed.
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
i posted double because the darn wireless internet was so slow that I got enraged, and began to hit the computer repeatedly, I had to be pulled off of it, and calmed down. sorry about that.
Quint - I do so hope that your observations reveal some interesting and helpful clues but be very careful that you do not fall prey as the loss of someone as helpful as you would be a great loss to our cause.
Toad - If you were the average female that I have met or known I would indeed run from every Beast that I saw; however, since you are Toad and as I recall are unusually resistant to anything you do not desire to have happen I believe you will be safe. Be warned; however that prolonged contact with Beasts can make things more difficult.
Monique - It may indeed be a sign. The Lumpys have always had turkey for Thanksgiving; however, and since my darling bride is very fond of traditions it is unlikely that we will be having Beast this thanksgiving.
Anonymous - Thank you kindly. I'm not certain that the Oddyssey would translate well into book format. It is tailored to the medium that it was created on. I'll keept he suggestion in mind though. Thanks again.
Fred - The Beast did indeed complicate thanksgiving as only the Beast could. For a general idea of how read the post name On Geysers and Fountains. Otherwise though we had a wonderful time. I hope yours went well also.
Jamie Dawn - Happy Thanksgiving to your family also JD. I hope the meal was everything you hoped it would be.
Cyradis - I am quite exhausted but those in confrontation often are I'm told.
Saurkraut - I happen to be married into the red cross so to speak. My Mother-in-law works for them and it is her visits that I am refering too. Upon learning of the Beast the Red Cross classafied it as an enemy combatant and demands that we treat it according to the Geneva Convention and stop in on a regular basis to make sure that I am.
Susie - I do not as of yet have a family member in the FBI and so I was not aware that they new about the Beast invasion; however, given your excellent intel I am aware now. This makes me feel much more comfortable as if anyone can get the invasion taken care of it is the FBI. I also have posted double due to aggrivation with slow computers. In fact I have often seen double for the same reason. Although hearing twice from you is most certainly a privilage.
The Lumpy
Lumpy,
I hope everything is ok with the beast..maybe she is just a little lactose intolerant:)
just_christina - The Beast is actually fine. We recently had a cystic fibrosis test which is where the material from this post originates from; however, the Beast does not have cystic fibrosis. In reality we are all quite happy and relieved.
The Lumpy
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