The Lumpys Wife

Dear Mr. OR,

I beg your patience as I am about to depart from my usual manor in these letters for a moment in order to focus on another part of my life. You see twenty-eight years ago a magical thing occurred which I would like to share with you. My wife came into this world. Although I have asked her many times how this event took place she insists that she does not remember and can not explain the process to me. However, given the amount of patience she exhibits and how she treats those around her I have a theory.

My theory is that the good Lord sitting up above began observing me and how I interacted with my surroundings. The Lumpys self destructive nature is the stuff of legends where he is from and has led him into a life style of book reading and coffee drinking as it is hard for one to do substantial damage to themselves while engaging in these activities. It is; however, difficult to keep relationships with other people when the total of your time is spent in these two activities not to mention the fact that conversation soon becomes almost as fascinating as staring at a box for eight hours a day. Couple this with the Lumpys general forgetfulness and it would appear that you have an excellent applicant for eternal bachelor and hermit. Well this may be wonderful for many gentlemen out there but the Lumpys continual battle with loneliness would have put him on the fast tract to continual depression.

And So the good Lord looked down and decided that this would never do for the Lumpy. He then found a very board spirit of such patience and virtue that it would be impossible to test it beyond its limits. He wrapped this spirit in the same dust he used to form Adam and poof my wife came into the world.

Soon after my wife’s worldly training had been accomplished she was sent to me and the usual courtship ensued in a way suiting individuals of the Lumpy and his wife’s caliber. And today my friends is her birthday. Now a birthday with the Lumpy is never complete unless there are some problems and so we get to the last few weeks.

As you may have noticed my letters have slowed down as of late. This is do to the fact that I now have very little spare time. I am now forced to stare at my box more intently than ever and often times have had to stare at it after I would usually leave in order to fulfill my quota. This has kept me from being able to go shopping for the Wife’s birthday. And so between that and a bank account issue I only ordered her gifts three days ago. Which means she will receive no gifts until after her birthday.

My time spent at home has been comprised of taking care of one catastrophe after another and just this morning we managed to break the faucet off of our only shower/bathtub. This makes it impossible for the Lumpys to bathe. Thus my wife will not be going anywhere for her birthday as I will be re-plumbing our bathroom. Yet with all of this she has not complained or gotten upset with me or even circumstances. The Lumpys wife is a Saint and her husband knows it.

I love you dear.

The Lumpy