On Christmas

Dear Mr. OR,

Well it is that time of year again. The winter snows have come in, people are running around shopping, and I am feeling charitable even towards the Beast. And so as we begin our celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ I have lessened my antagonism toward the Beast and allowed the Beast to participate in some of the family rituals. Never fear I shall return to my usual torture and abuse as soon as the holiday has passed. And so...

Just a few days ago my darling bride and I decided it was time for us to engage in one of our regular holiday traditions. It is one that many families engage in. Every year we decide that our living room looks far too sparse and barren and the only way to remedy the situation is to erect a large tree in the middle of it. I am not sure if it is my years of playing in tree forts as a young man that makes me desire to turn my living room into a miniature forest or if it goes back to our nomadic ancestors who simply could not leave the woods behind. Never the less, for as far back as I can remember, I have wandered out of my house around this time of year driven by the urge to procure for myself the wily and elusive pine tree.

After an hour of screaming and pushing and shoving we managed to get the Beast into a large padded suit designed to keep the little monster from getting frostbite, a situation the Red Cross would most certainly have a few things to say about, and headed out to our local tree farm. Perhaps near you trees grow out in the open in places you refer to as forests but around here we have cut down the forests to make room for large bovine resorts and spas and so must grow our trees on farms like chickens.

When we arrived I strapped the Beast to my back, as its current protective clothing kept it as immovable as a straight jacket would, and we headed off to find the perfect tree. After passing the Palm, Elm, Oak, and Cherry trees we came to the section labeled Pine. Once in the pine section we were greeted with a very sad site. All of the pine trees were Beast sized.

Well this would never do. A Beast sized tree could not create sufficient visual weight to feel like an entire forest in ones living room and so we were forced to go back to the elm section where they had trees of a more appropriate stature. After borrowing an axe, chopping down the tree and strapping it to my car we were on our way home singing all the way. And so I leave you to head for my garage and get a ladder with which to hang ornaments. I remain always;

Respectfully Yours,

The Lumpy