On Racing Stripes and Conventional Warfare
Dear Mr. OR,
It appears that the Beast has, for a little while now, been working on a more conventional weapon. For some time I have been aware of the Beasts cannibalistic tendencies but I haven't worried very much about it as the Beast has no teeth. This doesn't entirely remove the danger as the Beast produces a plague ridden clear goo from its mouth that causes one to get sick; however, the Beasts bite itself if not comfortable, is at least bearable.
Since the Beasts diet consists of a thick gruel I was unsure at first why the Beast felt as though it needed to develop teeth. In hopes of receiving an answer I watched as the teeth grew from tiny little dots into sharp fully exposed fangs. Still these fangs seam worthless to the Beast. It was late last night that I found out the intent of the Beast.
As I sat in my favorite reading chair engaging in my favorite past time my wife wandered by and dropped the Beast near my feet and then left to get herself a cup of tea. I was so absorbed in my reading material that I barely noticed. That is until the Beast wrapped its plague ridden mouth around my big toe and bit down with the force of a trash compactor. Immediately I was on my feet hopping up and down; the Beast flapping from my big toe like a piranha hell bent on single handedly taking out the cow that has just wandered into its stream. My screams of anguish must have alerted my wife who came running into the room tackling me and the Beast and promptly grabbed hold of the Beast and yanked.
My big toe now has a pair of bloody racing stripes down the bottom where the Beasts two teeth pealed the flesh from the meat. I have treated the whole thing with peroxide and all manner of bacteria and virus killing solutions in the hope of stopping the plague the Beast transmits by way of its mouth from taking up residence within my being. So I am now off to ice my foot in the hopes of bringing down the swelling. I remain always;
Respectfully Yours,
The Lumpy
It appears that the Beast has, for a little while now, been working on a more conventional weapon. For some time I have been aware of the Beasts cannibalistic tendencies but I haven't worried very much about it as the Beast has no teeth. This doesn't entirely remove the danger as the Beast produces a plague ridden clear goo from its mouth that causes one to get sick; however, the Beasts bite itself if not comfortable, is at least bearable.
Since the Beasts diet consists of a thick gruel I was unsure at first why the Beast felt as though it needed to develop teeth. In hopes of receiving an answer I watched as the teeth grew from tiny little dots into sharp fully exposed fangs. Still these fangs seam worthless to the Beast. It was late last night that I found out the intent of the Beast.
As I sat in my favorite reading chair engaging in my favorite past time my wife wandered by and dropped the Beast near my feet and then left to get herself a cup of tea. I was so absorbed in my reading material that I barely noticed. That is until the Beast wrapped its plague ridden mouth around my big toe and bit down with the force of a trash compactor. Immediately I was on my feet hopping up and down; the Beast flapping from my big toe like a piranha hell bent on single handedly taking out the cow that has just wandered into its stream. My screams of anguish must have alerted my wife who came running into the room tackling me and the Beast and promptly grabbed hold of the Beast and yanked.
My big toe now has a pair of bloody racing stripes down the bottom where the Beasts two teeth pealed the flesh from the meat. I have treated the whole thing with peroxide and all manner of bacteria and virus killing solutions in the hope of stopping the plague the Beast transmits by way of its mouth from taking up residence within my being. So I am now off to ice my foot in the hopes of bringing down the swelling. I remain always;
Respectfully Yours,
The Lumpy
posted by Julia Reffner | Friday, November 04, 2005
15 Comments:
Lumpy -
This Beast is cunning indeed. It has lulled you into a sense of complacency! You watched as the Beast grew fangs, and did nothing! You are growing too confortable with this being in your home - why, you have even started reading while the Beast is in the same room as you!
Snap out of it, my friend, or the Beast shall take over your brain as much as it has taken over your wife's!
I suggest a cold cloth, of even a piece of frozen "plastic." My studies have shown that this may stop the Beast from clamping down upon objects not meant to be bitten. The ice may also prohibit the growth of new teeth. If that doesn't work: pliers.
~ quint
neosporin. I swear by it!
You will have to protect your appendages from now on. I hope the measures you've taken will be sufficient in killing all viruses and bacteria. I would think a Beast virus would be just as virulent as a Bird virus. That Beast of yours could cause a pandemic through your big toe! Please don't cough anywhere near me.
You poor soul...Quint is right you must come to your senses and pay closer attention to your surroundings!
~Cyradis
Rolling on the floor laughing my butt off....too good!
How do I say this,,,, for once, I think I feel a sliver of empathy for The Beast. Here you are grumbling about a little scratch, and that poor thing probably got a mouth full of toe jam!!!!
Quit your whining, and wear some socks, for the love of pete. Rubber socks if you must!!!!
Lumpy,
are you up to date on your vacinnes? better yet, is the beast, u may want to get a rabies shot..just in case:)
Must.
Not.
Laugh.
(Especially since I've suffered the same sort of torture)
Best wishes on the Great Plague Fight.
Poor Lumpy! Soon the Beast will start inflicting this torture on not only its caretakers, but even on other Beasts!
You should never have bare feet when near a beast. There will be more teeth you know.
As you are gathering information about the beast, it is also gathering information about you. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
it's not a zombie beast, is it?
Quint - Indeed I have been a bit indiferent toward the beast as of lately. I shall have to give this cold cloth idea of yours a try.
Saurkraut - Yes indeed. Neosporin is a wonderful medical invention and was part of the many chemical concoctions I used to fight the Beasts goo.
Jamie Dawn - I shall keep from cooughing near anybody as I have baracaded myself inside of my home until I am no longer a danger to society. So far so good. I think I may have managed to kill off all the micro-organisms. Now if I could only remember the combination I used to do it...
Cyradis - Paying close attention to my surroundings has never been a strong point for me. Something quint knows full well. I shall; however, make a strong effort to do a better job in the future.
Hoots Musings - I am very happy that you enjoyed it.
Susie - Rubber socks would make an excellent armour for my pore sore toes. I wonder what store would sell those?
Its_Just_Me - I have no idea if the Beast is up to date on its vaccines as I have not had a visit from the red cross lately. I on the other hand am not as I have a strange fear of needles and so avoid them where ever I can.
Marti - Thank you. So far I appear to be Beating the plague but I am not convinced I am out of the woods yet. I shall keep you up to date.
Monique - Indeed it may begin doing this to other Beasts. In fact now that you mention it I think this may have been the primary purpose in its growing teeth as it makes the Beast a much more effective cannible.
Tan Lucy Pez - I suppose I shall have to begin wearing slippers or shoes around the house from now on. I fear there will be more teeth. I can see no reason why the Beast would stop developing them at this point. Your warning has left me feeling very nervouse. Indeed I checked over my shoulder to see if the Beast was taking down information about me three times while reading your comments.
squirrleymojo - I am unaware of the Beasts origens and so I can not say with any certainty that the Beast is not a zombie.
The Lumpy
MIght I suggest a muzzle?
Time to wear steel-toed work boots around the house at all times. Either that, or always keep your feet off the ground.
Soon, The Beast will have a mouth resembling a shark's mouth. Good luck.
Jamie Dawn - A muzzle has crossed my mind on several occasions. I'm not entirely sure what has kept me from picking one up. Perhaps tomorrow.
Fred - Steel toed work boots would indeed be a great asset now that the beast is trying to eat my feet. Unfortunatly my wife demands that I remove all shoes upon entering the house so that I do not track dirt accross her nice clean floors.
The Beasts mouth is indeed beginning to look uncannily like a sharks. I am being very cautious to keep all appendages away from it.
The Lumpy
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