On Christmas

Dear Mr. OR,

Well it is that time of year again. The winter snows have come in, people are running around shopping, and I am feeling charitable even towards the Beast. And so as we begin our celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ I have lessened my antagonism toward the Beast and allowed the Beast to participate in some of the family rituals. Never fear I shall return to my usual torture and abuse as soon as the holiday has passed. And so...

Just a few days ago my darling bride and I decided it was time for us to engage in one of our regular holiday traditions. It is one that many families engage in. Every year we decide that our living room looks far too sparse and barren and the only way to remedy the situation is to erect a large tree in the middle of it. I am not sure if it is my years of playing in tree forts as a young man that makes me desire to turn my living room into a miniature forest or if it goes back to our nomadic ancestors who simply could not leave the woods behind. Never the less, for as far back as I can remember, I have wandered out of my house around this time of year driven by the urge to procure for myself the wily and elusive pine tree.

After an hour of screaming and pushing and shoving we managed to get the Beast into a large padded suit designed to keep the little monster from getting frostbite, a situation the Red Cross would most certainly have a few things to say about, and headed out to our local tree farm. Perhaps near you trees grow out in the open in places you refer to as forests but around here we have cut down the forests to make room for large bovine resorts and spas and so must grow our trees on farms like chickens.

When we arrived I strapped the Beast to my back, as its current protective clothing kept it as immovable as a straight jacket would, and we headed off to find the perfect tree. After passing the Palm, Elm, Oak, and Cherry trees we came to the section labeled Pine. Once in the pine section we were greeted with a very sad site. All of the pine trees were Beast sized.

Well this would never do. A Beast sized tree could not create sufficient visual weight to feel like an entire forest in ones living room and so we were forced to go back to the elm section where they had trees of a more appropriate stature. After borrowing an axe, chopping down the tree and strapping it to my car we were on our way home singing all the way. And so I leave you to head for my garage and get a ladder with which to hang ornaments. I remain always;

Respectfully Yours,

The Lumpy

The Lumpys Wife

Dear Mr. OR,

I beg your patience as I am about to depart from my usual manor in these letters for a moment in order to focus on another part of my life. You see twenty-eight years ago a magical thing occurred which I would like to share with you. My wife came into this world. Although I have asked her many times how this event took place she insists that she does not remember and can not explain the process to me. However, given the amount of patience she exhibits and how she treats those around her I have a theory.

My theory is that the good Lord sitting up above began observing me and how I interacted with my surroundings. The Lumpys self destructive nature is the stuff of legends where he is from and has led him into a life style of book reading and coffee drinking as it is hard for one to do substantial damage to themselves while engaging in these activities. It is; however, difficult to keep relationships with other people when the total of your time is spent in these two activities not to mention the fact that conversation soon becomes almost as fascinating as staring at a box for eight hours a day. Couple this with the Lumpys general forgetfulness and it would appear that you have an excellent applicant for eternal bachelor and hermit. Well this may be wonderful for many gentlemen out there but the Lumpys continual battle with loneliness would have put him on the fast tract to continual depression.

And So the good Lord looked down and decided that this would never do for the Lumpy. He then found a very board spirit of such patience and virtue that it would be impossible to test it beyond its limits. He wrapped this spirit in the same dust he used to form Adam and poof my wife came into the world.

Soon after my wife’s worldly training had been accomplished she was sent to me and the usual courtship ensued in a way suiting individuals of the Lumpy and his wife’s caliber. And today my friends is her birthday. Now a birthday with the Lumpy is never complete unless there are some problems and so we get to the last few weeks.

As you may have noticed my letters have slowed down as of late. This is do to the fact that I now have very little spare time. I am now forced to stare at my box more intently than ever and often times have had to stare at it after I would usually leave in order to fulfill my quota. This has kept me from being able to go shopping for the Wife’s birthday. And so between that and a bank account issue I only ordered her gifts three days ago. Which means she will receive no gifts until after her birthday.

My time spent at home has been comprised of taking care of one catastrophe after another and just this morning we managed to break the faucet off of our only shower/bathtub. This makes it impossible for the Lumpys to bathe. Thus my wife will not be going anywhere for her birthday as I will be re-plumbing our bathroom. Yet with all of this she has not complained or gotten upset with me or even circumstances. The Lumpys wife is a Saint and her husband knows it.

I love you dear.

The Lumpy