On Shockwire, Antenna, and Spots.

Dear Mr. OR

We have located your letter and have attached it to the back of this note. We thank you for your patience in this matter.
Thank you,

John Smith,
Post Master

Dear Mr. OR,

I am sorry to inform you that my wife and I are not on the happiest of terms right now. I'm sure this hardly comes as a surprise given the amount of control that the beast has begun to exhibit in her life. I'm afraid I have much to relate especially given the amount of suggestions you've sent me recently.

First and foremost you have no idea how hard it can be to find livestock shock wire around here. You see there isn't much call for that out here in the city but a nice drive out to the country seamed like an excellent idea. I was on my way out the door when my wife surprised me from behind carrying the beast. In deed I see them so often standing in that fashion that I've begun to wonder if the beasts bottom has grown into my wife’s hip. I certainly hope that this is not the case. More research on that will be necessary. Where was I? Ah yes. My wife demanded that she and the beast come along. It seams that the beast thrives on fresh air and there simply isn't enough of it around our house. The usual argument ensued and once again it was apparent that she was coming with me "like it or not." So off we went.

It was at this point that I tried another one of your suggestions and I do not advise it in a moving vehicle. As we were driving the beast began its usual onslaught, unleashing every weapon in its arsenal. In fact it must have given itself a bit of a shock as when we later removed it from the car it had soiled itself all the way up to its neck. As The Beast was doing this I looked for that point of interest to focus on in order to close off my mind to its attacks. I must say it worked quite well. That is until my wife grabbed the steering wheal screaming and put us back on the road.

All of that aside the rest of the trip went more or less without a hitch and we made it to the country hardware store just a little behind schedule. I quickly ran in and picked up some shock wire and six industrial screws. It took all my effort to keep from speeding as I raced home anxious to try out my new purchases. And I was amazed to find my wife cooperating when I got home. In deed she handed me The Beast and sent me to give it a bath. How cleaver of her. The shock wire should work even better with The Beast submerged in water. So off I went. Soiled Beast in one hand, shock wire in the other, and a big smile on my face. Until I got into the bathroom.

I had filled up the tub and placed The Beast within like a piece of roast being put into the stew pot to make soup. Then I turned around to plug in the shock wire. It turns out that shock wire has a very different electrical prong configuration than what I use in my house. After several minutes of fiddling I was forced to set the wire aside and wash The Beast whom I then put back on my wife’s hip and headed for the attic.

In the attic we have an old antenna. I have never had much use for it as I do not own a TV. Annoying, noisy time wasters that they are. So it has sat in our attic for some time gathering dust. Your note suggesting I create a connection to the Beast that will allow me to communicate with it gave me an idea however. It may be that its communication devices are similar to radio waves or television waves in which case if I mount the old antennae to it I may be able to disrupt it by forcing it to deal with all the new information. With new found vigor I ran for my drill and grabbed the screws I had purchased earlier that day. Now ready for my experiment I stalked around the house looking for an opportune moment when The Beast would be separated from my wife. I was amazed by my wife’s stamina as it took many hours before she finally put the beast down and left the room. My diligence rewarded I quickly dashed into the room and began marking out where on the beasts scalp I would place the screw holes. Then revving my drill once or twice to make sure the batteries were still good I put the screw on the tip of the drill and in walked my wife. Now I have often seen my bride upset over one thing or another but never before have I seen anything like this. She was nearly a different person entirely. And her new found self had super human strength. I had to flee for my life, running around the house and screaming in a most undignified manner as I dodged flying objects that at one time or another had been dear to her or me. Finally, her anger subsided, my wife went into the room with the beast and locked the door. And thus the day’s events were concluded. Perhaps tomorrow I'll get another chance but only time will tell. Until then I remain always;

Respectfully yours,

The Lumpy