On Torture

Dear OR,

I spent the better part of the day today building a small outdoor condominium in which to house The Beast because my wife insists on keeping it and says that chaining it to the front tree like small dog is not a viable option. I personally don't see why not. It is fairly quiet and wont disturb the neighbors and in this summer weather it is far less likely to get heat stroke as it is basically hairless. Never the less my wife insisted it would not be chained. After many hours of sweat and toiling in the hot sun I was able to complete my chore and went in to tell my wife.

Ordinarily I would have expected to receive large amounts of praise from her for my hard work and ingenuity. So you can imagine my surprise when I received a very different response. It seams, according to what my wife said, that she and The Beast had discussed this and agreed that it would be staying in our room with us. In fact it would even be aloud to sleep in our bed should it so desire. With much animated discussion it was apparent that I could not gain ground on this argument and so I retired to my favorite chair to ponder the afternoon’s events.

The real surprise for me would come later that evening. It was only then that I realized the truth of why this was necessary. It seams that my wife and The Beast have decided to ware me down through lack of sleep. You see every couple of hours The Beast will let out a horrific yell. This is my wife’s cue to roll around and bounce up and down on the bed until the combination of noise and shaking wake me from my blissful slumber. I've been doing some reading and I have found that this is often a tactic employed in torture to break the will of your prey. After this yell my wife will shove me over until I must cling to the side of the bed for fear of falling off so that she can put The Beast in bed with us and settle it down.

I have been many days without sleep at the time of this writing and so far so good. The trick is in finding alternate places and times to sleep. Luckily we have had a tremendous upsurge in visits by our in-laws. All ways a good time to take a nap.
I remain always:

Respectfully yours,

The Lumpy

On Soilage and the Defilement of the Throne

Dear OR,

Much to my disgust I recently discovered that The Beast, the name I constantly find myself referring to this little creature as, has a need to expel waste the same as we do. What is so bad about that you say? Unlike any civilized individual who would use the bathroom it simply sits where ever it may be and does its business. Imagine how appalled I was the other day to find it rolling around in the mess it had just made. And to make matters worse my wife turned to me and made it very clear that she wanted me to clean it up. Clean it up?! What a ludicrous idea. Perhaps if I leave it uncomfortable it will pack up its bags and head back to where it came from.

I am sorry to report; however, that that was not the result. Instead, The Beast exercised some form of mind control and took over my wife. I know it was The Beast because my wife has never acted so irrationally before. In one quick movement she hoisted this devious creature over my favorite chair and threatened to smear the toxic side across the fabric. I could barely believe what I was seeing. And now she insists that I spend money to encase its bottom in plastic. It would seam that this is the only way to keep my chair safe as my wife insists that she is incapable of teaching this monster how to be civilized.

I must say that I did appreciate your suggestion of how to avoid The Beast. Indeed the Bathroom would be a formidable challenge for such a small creature. It cannot reach the doorknob yet and the walls a fairly well insulated so that noise doesn't enter easily. With this in mind I gathered some of my favorite reading materials and headed off for what I had hoped would be a delightful afternoon. Unfortunately it was not to be so.

You see, I had not planned on my wife becoming involved in this scenario. About the third hour she came knocking at the door demanding entrance. Well there was no way I was going to allow that to happen as wherever she goes The Beast is always right behind. So I sent her away. A little space later she was back again pounding on the door. She must have asked The Beast to try its mind control tricks on me but as of yet I'm still able to resist its cunning devices so I sent her away again. We went on like this for some time until my wife went around the house to the window on the other side of the bathroom which I had opened in order to let in a cool refreshing breeze and glared in at me lying in the tub reading. From that moment on my quite repose was any thing but quite and I eventually had to let her into the bathroom and seek a more quiet environment. Since then if I am in the bathroom for more than 15 minutes my wife bangs on the door until I finally break down and allow her entrance.

But despite all these things have no fear. I am so far unscathed and still in my right mind. I remain always:

Respectfully Yours,

The Lumpy

It Begins

Dear OR,

I'm afraid that I must dispense with the plesentries that a communication such as this would usually warrant. You see I am writing to you because I believe I am in great danger. As you are aware, some time ago I was married to a wonderful, attractive, and highly intelligent women who up until recently has been a great joy to me. I suppose all good things must; however, eventually come to an end as I will relate.

You see very recently my wife has come under the influence of a small yet very deviouse being who sole purpose is the destruction of my happiness. I dare say this tiny form is out to dominate and supplant me in my own home. But I am determined not to go down without a fight. How could my wife be persuaded to cooperate with this tiny demon? It is difficult to explaine in writing and must be experienced. In deed I nearly gave in without a fight myself for this creature is possessed of a divine beauty and formidable emotional weapons and there in lies its strength and its weekness.

My wife being a more emotional being was overtaken immediatly while I being somewhat less emotional have been able to catch glimpses of the true nature of my tiny foe. Oh it is a terrorfying creature. I have spent many a night awake contemplating just how develish a creation it is. It's sole purpose is to be served by those older and wiser than it. Like a queen on its throne it expects all people around it to submit to its every demand. And if you don't move fast enough it is quick to unleash one of it's awesome emotional weapons.

I fear how long I will last and I send you these letters that you may be warned less you allow one of these little demons into your own home and also that should something happen too me someone will know who has caused it. I remain always:
Respectfully yours,

The Lumpy

The answer to all riddles

If you are new to the Oddyssey or having a hard time understanding what is going on here is a short list of mysteries and their answers to help you navigate through the literature.

The Lumpy - The lumpy is our author and hero. He is fighting to keep control of his household from what he believes to be a tiny invader he refers to as the Beast. Lumpy loves to read, hates noise and is in correspondence with a gentlemen named Mr. OR about his on going battle.

Lumpys Darling Wife - The Lumpy was and is happily married to a women that is having her mind controlled by The Beast. Hence she is often found fighting on the side of the Beast although from time to time she breaks the spell and gives Lumpy a chance at thwarting the Beasts plan to take over Lumpys household.

The Beast - The Beast in real life is, in fact, my (as of october 2005) six month old daughter who is the joy of my life but in the realm of the Oddyssey she is a tiny invader trying to take over the Lumpys happy home. The Beasts main weapons to date are Noise and mind control tactics as well as verious substances that the Beast is able to excreate from its different orifaces.

The Red Cross - Referes specifically to the Lumpys-in-laws who are another semi-antaganistic force within the Oddyssey (This is not factual in real life if they happen to be reading this). The Red Cross looks at the Beast as a Prisoner of war and; therefore, demands that the Lumpy treat the Beast humanly.

Various Lumpy Family Members - Until such time as these people become a fleshed out part of the Oddyssey they shall remain mainly keepers of the Beast while the Lumpy and his wife escape for one purpose or another or else a curiosity whose actions towards the Beast the Lumpy does not understand.

As I'm sure you have noticed there are some inanimate objects that play a role in the oddyssey as well and require a description.

Lumpys Box - Lumpy is a cubicle worker and is forced to spend many hours each day simply sitting in his box staring at the walls. This is how the Lumpy makes money for all of his plans. Why they pay him to do this he is still unawares.

Torture Devices - Lumpys torture devices are in actuality the standard toys and carseats and other baby parafanalia that most of us receive at baby showers. The Lumpy doesn't understand that these things are to keep the Beast safe and happy as the Lumpy can not comprehend why someone would want to do such a thing.

The Beasts Plastic Bottom - This is refering to diapers which The Lumpy began buying and wrapping the Beast in after his wife threatened to wipe the Beasts soiled bottom on The Lumpys favorite reading chair.