On Torture
Dear OR,
I spent the better part of the day today building a small outdoor condominium in which to house The Beast because my wife insists on keeping it and says that chaining it to the front tree like small dog is not a viable option. I personally don't see why not. It is fairly quiet and wont disturb the neighbors and in this summer weather it is far less likely to get heat stroke as it is basically hairless. Never the less my wife insisted it would not be chained. After many hours of sweat and toiling in the hot sun I was able to complete my chore and went in to tell my wife.
Ordinarily I would have expected to receive large amounts of praise from her for my hard work and ingenuity. So you can imagine my surprise when I received a very different response. It seams, according to what my wife said, that she and The Beast had discussed this and agreed that it would be staying in our room with us. In fact it would even be aloud to sleep in our bed should it so desire. With much animated discussion it was apparent that I could not gain ground on this argument and so I retired to my favorite chair to ponder the afternoon’s events.
The real surprise for me would come later that evening. It was only then that I realized the truth of why this was necessary. It seams that my wife and The Beast have decided to ware me down through lack of sleep. You see every couple of hours The Beast will let out a horrific yell. This is my wife’s cue to roll around and bounce up and down on the bed until the combination of noise and shaking wake me from my blissful slumber. I've been doing some reading and I have found that this is often a tactic employed in torture to break the will of your prey. After this yell my wife will shove me over until I must cling to the side of the bed for fear of falling off so that she can put The Beast in bed with us and settle it down.
I have been many days without sleep at the time of this writing and so far so good. The trick is in finding alternate places and times to sleep. Luckily we have had a tremendous upsurge in visits by our in-laws. All ways a good time to take a nap.
I remain always:
Respectfully yours,
The Lumpy
I spent the better part of the day today building a small outdoor condominium in which to house The Beast because my wife insists on keeping it and says that chaining it to the front tree like small dog is not a viable option. I personally don't see why not. It is fairly quiet and wont disturb the neighbors and in this summer weather it is far less likely to get heat stroke as it is basically hairless. Never the less my wife insisted it would not be chained. After many hours of sweat and toiling in the hot sun I was able to complete my chore and went in to tell my wife.
Ordinarily I would have expected to receive large amounts of praise from her for my hard work and ingenuity. So you can imagine my surprise when I received a very different response. It seams, according to what my wife said, that she and The Beast had discussed this and agreed that it would be staying in our room with us. In fact it would even be aloud to sleep in our bed should it so desire. With much animated discussion it was apparent that I could not gain ground on this argument and so I retired to my favorite chair to ponder the afternoon’s events.
The real surprise for me would come later that evening. It was only then that I realized the truth of why this was necessary. It seams that my wife and The Beast have decided to ware me down through lack of sleep. You see every couple of hours The Beast will let out a horrific yell. This is my wife’s cue to roll around and bounce up and down on the bed until the combination of noise and shaking wake me from my blissful slumber. I've been doing some reading and I have found that this is often a tactic employed in torture to break the will of your prey. After this yell my wife will shove me over until I must cling to the side of the bed for fear of falling off so that she can put The Beast in bed with us and settle it down.
I have been many days without sleep at the time of this writing and so far so good. The trick is in finding alternate places and times to sleep. Luckily we have had a tremendous upsurge in visits by our in-laws. All ways a good time to take a nap.
I remain always:
Respectfully yours,
The Lumpy
posted by Julia Reffner | Wednesday, July 27, 2005
2 Comments:
Hello bud ...give me a hollar sometime on msn if ya want im here on weekends and nites. Drkwing
Lumpy:
Surely you must be heading off to work some days - this is yet another prime time to take a nap. A great man (I believe his name was George Costanza) found that the average workplace desk provided ample cover for those seeking a repreive. Of course, Mr. Costanza also proposed a sexual relationship with his cousin to get his parents attention - a plan that backfired when she consented to said relationship. And he was bald too.
The torture you are a victim of is multi-faceted. You must stay strong. Sometimes the only way to beat torture is to torture back: When The Beast wants food, feed it only liquid (mush works for bigger versions). When the wife wants the beast in the bed, let her have her way, but I have two words for you: Dutch Oven. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dutch_oven)
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