On Bowling for Books

Dear Mr. OR,

The other night my darling bride and I made a trip to the mall. Now I'm not particularly fond of Malls as they are usually quite loud and full of busy, unhappy, pushy people and so I try to avoid them where possible. However, the Lumpy's darling bride had not been out of the house in quite some time and was expressing a strong desire to be amongst throngs of people so we bundled up the Beast and off we went. While at the Mall we ran into a small pet store. It is well known that the Lumpy's darling bride cannot see cute animals and simply pass by. This probably was as much to blame for the ease with which the Lumpy household was invaded by the Beast as was anything else. And so it wasn't long after we spotted the pet store that we were inside with my darling bride petting, and ogling every furry animal in sight. It is noteworthy that the Beast appeared to show the same weakness although it did look a bit ravenous while viewing the dachshunds. As this was going on I wandered aimlessly until I came across a very cleaver contraption. It was a large plastic ball that the attendant explained was used to give small animals exercise, not unlike one of those running wheels. You simply put the small animal into the ball and let the animal go where ever it would like. Well I must admit that my first thought was to buy a mouse and one of these balls as a make shift toy for the Lumpy's two cats. But then I mentally calculated the price of keeping the mouse fed and clean up of the inside of the ball on a regular basis and decided it was too much maintenance for a cat toy. It was not long before my synapses were firing again; however, and I realized that a larger ball would be an excellent way to keep the Beast from destroying everything in its path. To date the Beast typically makes our house a disaster by pulling down anything it can get its grubby little paws on. This ball would certainly prevent the Beast from reaching anything of importance. A brief inquiry quickly dashed all hopes of finding an adequately sized ball especially after pointing to the Beast when asked what size I was looking for. At this point the attendant became far less cooperative and I felt it would be best if my darling bride quit ogling the local wild life and departed for a more hospitable environment with me post haste. Although I had met this momentary setback I was not as of yet feeling like giving up. When Corporate America fails to provide; it is time for the industrious individual to engineer his own solution. And so I called my Brother who works in HVAC. He is well versed in all things metallic and a bit of a wizard with building things. A date was set and he arrived with all sorts of metal pipe, welders, soldering equipment etc. etc. First we would need to build a frame. This was precisely why I had called him and like any noble brother he came with just the thing. Flexible copper pipe. It took very little time to bend the pipe into several three foot diameter rings and weld the ends into a single piece. Next we wrapped both sides of our construct with heavy duty screen keeping it as spherical as we could manage and covered over all of the sharp edges with duct tape. We moved the cage ball into the house and my brother who was now late for a prior engagement took his leave while I wandered around the house looking for the Beast.

It was not long before I found her as she had left an extensive trail of debris for me to follow. And so I quickly took the Beast and placed it into the ball and closed the ball door. The Beast took to it immediately and it wasn't long before she had the whole thing rolling around the house at top speed. As I watched I noticed that the wake of destruction which the Beast usually leaves behind it was no longer present. I was so happy to see that another one of my plans had worked that I went to the kitchen to brew myself a victory coffee to celebrate. That was when I heard the crash.

Racing around the corner I saw the Beast happily sitting in its ball happy as could be. Covering the ball was a not so small mound of books. The Beast had run head long into my largest bookshelf and managed to collapse the entire structure. And so I leave you while I clean up the hundreds of books which still lay strewn around my floor. I remain always;

Respectfully Yours,

The Lumpy

On Beastish and Bears in My Bushes

Dear Mr. OR,

It would seam that the Beast has under estimated the power of its own attacks. For the last week now my darling bride, myself, and the Beast have all been suffering the effects of the Beasts latest biological attack. In fact we are still under the influence of it even now. And so my days have consisted mostly of cleaning up the usual debris that tends to get strewn everywhere when a household is sick.

Meanwhile the Beast, although it is ill, has been wandering around the house in very high spirits. It slowly drags its rubber soles from semi clean area of the house to another leaving it standard wake of debris where ever it goes and all the while rambling to itself in its own beastish language. My wife and I have termed this B-speak and the Beast appears to be doing it far more often.

In fact the Beast speaks so much more freely lately that I was afraid it might be communicating to other Beasts just outside our windows. Ever since this though came to me I have been nervously checking the bushes outside of our house every chance I get but I have yet to see one of the Beasts little comrades ease dropping out there.

I have a particularly noisy door and these ease dropping Beasts must be running away as soon as they hear the door begin to open. Indeed I think once or twice now I have seen the hind side of Beast disappear around the corner of the house just as I managed to make my way out the door. Well this will never do. I can not have my Beast coordinating attacks right in front of me. Goodness knows if it is aloud to have such open and constant communication why... our whole neighborhood could be over run by this time next year!

And so this morning I rose up early and spread several bear traps just under the mulch behind the bushes. I'm sure to catch one now. And so I leave you while I check my traps and see if I have had any luck. I remain always;

Respectfully Yours,

The Lumpy

On the Beasts Rubber Soles

Dear Mr. OR,

As I have mentioned in the past the Beast has begun to travel through my home with an alarming rate of speed. It is not unusual at any given moment to walk through a hallway or into a room and see a small blur go past at the level of ones knees. Now for any ordinary individual this could prove dangerous as the Beast attempts to get under foot and trip up whatever adult happens to be not paying attention. However; after years of owning cats both the Lumpy and his bride have become rather adept at avoiding these simple traps. Our guests have not. And so I began watching the Beast to see if I could find a way to slow it down.

I have noticed that the Beast has two forms of transportation which it uses. Hands and knees dragging feet behind for speed, I'm not sure how the Beast moves so fast when it must drag its feet but it does remarkably well, And standing upright when it needs to reach high places for greater destruction potential. Although lately we have seen the Beast try hands and feet a couple of times I am unconcerned as this form appears to remove the positives of the other two and adds no advantages.

My first attempt was to try the easy route and tie the Beast down; however, a recent visit by the Red Cross quickly destroyed any hopes of using this method over any length of time. And so I began brainstorming. What I really needed to do was to create friction on its back feet. The Beast was already dragging those so it would stand to reason that this would be a good place to attach a speed impediment. In fact they already were a speed impediment all I had to do was increase their effectiveness. What I needed was to encase them in rubber. It can be very difficult to drag rubber across smooth surfaces.

With this in mind I took off for the local store to pick up some large pieces of rubber and some duct tape. I returned a few hours later with several pieces of rubber I felt would be a good fit and with great skill managed to duct tape them to the Beasts hind feet. I am happy to say that the plan has thus far worked quite well. The Beast has slowed down significantly and is having difficulty moving at all while balanced on its hind legs. I share this with you as my first of what will hopefully be many successes. I remain always;

Respectfully Yours,

The Lumpy

On Dear and Moose and the Ways of the Wild

Dear Mr. OR,

The Lumpys darling bride has always enjoyed celebration. She scarcely needs an excuse to have a party. So when the somewhat inappropriate occasion of the anniversary of the Beast infiltrating our home was upon us my wife quickly began preparations for a celebration. As for my part I've learned to stay out of her way when these things happen as somehow any involvement on my part makes every misfortune a direct result of my presence. And so when she told me I shrugged and began to fortify myself for the inevitable trials that would be forth coming.

As I went through the many ways in which I could survive this ordeal the one that sat at the top of my list was to barricade myself in my study and not leave until the danger had passed. This had a few drawbacks. First it left my wife all alone with a bunch of cannibalistic animals. Second it did not allow me to gather useful information about Beast behavior that I might be able to exploit later and third it provided an excellent opportunity for others to drop by with their Beasts and leave with out them. Well this would obviously never do. And so on the day of the party I built up my courage, put in some ear plugs, and anxiously sat at the door awaiting the arrival of twice as many people as my lovely home could comfortably fit.

Having successfully packed my house so full of people that it was impossible for anyone to sit down due to lack of room I pushed, shoved, and crawled my way over to where the Beasts were congregated. Upon arrival I noticed a few of the larger Beasts appeared to be Male. Now although I am not fond of television I did own one for a time and would often watch documentaries and nature programming, the only two areas that could hold my interest. I noticed instantly that there appeared to be some kind of mating ritual going on. The largest male beasts were both pushing and shoving and generally trying to wrestle each other into submission not unlike the wild moose and dear during the mating season. Well at first I wasn’t sure why so I quit watching the fighting Beasts and looked around. It was only then that I noticed my Beast. Sitting quietly watching the male Beasts with great interest. With great horror I realized that my Beast must be female. I couldn’t control myself, I panicked. I quickly grabbed my beast and ran screaming from the room knocking people over as I ran. If my Beast were permitted to produce offspring then I would never again be the master of my house.

It wasn’t long until my wife found me and blaming the mass exodus of people on my actions sent me to my study where I have spent a great deal of time gathering my thoughts and trying to calm down enough to write you this letter. I remain always;

Respectfully Yours,

The Lumpy

On Preparation and Days Long Past

Dear Mr. OR,

The preparations for this weekend have begun in the lumpy household. You see one year ago today my wife rolled over to me in bed and informed me that we needed to go to the hospital. For about nine months my wife had been suffering from a strange bloating disease that the Doctors were unable to find a cure for but insisted would disappear on its own. Disappear on its own or not it occasionally caused my wife a great deal of pain and this time she felt the pain was bad enough that we should visit the hospital immediately. So I hurriedly dragged myself out of bed, got dressed, stuffed my wife in the car and off we went. It was well we were at the hospital that the Beast invaded our house. If only I had known then what I know now.

My wife was released from the hospital after a couple of days; her bloating much more under control and already on the retreat due to the excellent work of the doctors and nurses. I was amazed at the amount of water my wife had passed while there. And so we headed home.

Upon opening the door to the house we were immediately met by a small pink fleshy bundle curled up on floor. I must admit that at first I was taken in by the cute appearance of the Beast. It wasn't until sometime later that I came to realize the mistake that I had made. My wife who is an absolute sucker for anything that is cute, pink, and small immediately asked if she could keep it. I was not so sure but given her recent ordeal I did not feel as though I could disappoint her and so the Beast gained its foothold in my household. In a matter of days the Beast had established control over my darling bride with its mind control tricks and was beginning to turn it's attentions onto me.

And so my wife is preparing to celebrate the one year anniversary of the Beasts arrival and I am looking for any opportunity to snag the Beast that shall present itself or at the least another opportunity to compare notes with other men who find themselves in the same situation. Should I find anything interesting I will of course share my notes. I remain always;

Respectfully Yours,

The Lumpy

On the Wrong Side of the Law

Dear Mr. OR,

It would seem that I am a criminal. Or at least a legal deviant.

I was sitting in the bathroom two nights ago reading a book while my darling bride bathed the Beast; an activity I don't take an active role in as I hope that lack of adequate personal hygiene may prompt the Beast to seek more suitable environs. My wife on the other hand refuses to leave the Beast in its filth and though I don't agree I will not actively restrain her from the activity either as a previous attempt nearly resulted in the soiling of my favorite reading chair. So as my wife bathed the Beast I sat and watched hoping for a clue that would finally swing the occupation in my favor allowing me to oust the manipulative intruder.

Sitting there watching the Beast splash and make a watery mess of the area all around it I realized that the Beast truly enjoys water. Perhaps the Beasts origin is a place of great wide open watery spaces. I could picture Beasts of all shapes and sizes frolicking and splashing in watery swamps not unlike little Alligators in Georgia. Then it occurred to me.

I remember reading about some people in an email who had flushed an alligator down the toilet and the alligator had been found happily running around in the sewage system some time later. The fact that the Alligator had grown to enormous proportions did not escape my thoughts; however, the point is that, the Alligator neither returned to its original home nor did it hurt anyone as no one that I am aware of lives in the sewer system.

After its bath my wife handed me the Beast to dry it off. An activity I typically engage in strictly to keep my house from the water damage that would be incurred should the Beast be left to air dry as it wandered around destroying everything in its path. As my wife left the room I put my newly formed plan into action. I quickly placed the Beast in the toilet and flushed. And flushed. And FLUSHED. To no avail. The Beast stared at me smiling maliciously as it splashed and played in the swirling water as if to rub in my defeat.

This only strengthened my resolve. And so I grabbed the Beast from its personal whirlpool, wrapped it in the towel and made a run for the door. Out in the street I quickly found a man-hole cover and with great effort hoisted it into the street. So intent was I on getting the cover open that I did not notice the police car until after he had turned on his lights effectively stopping me with the Beast in mid air over the gaping hole.

It took a great deal of persuasion and discussion to keep the officer from handcuffing and taking me to the station. It turns out it is illegal to drop Beasts into the sewage system in my town. My guess is that they must grow to such enormous proportions that they clog the sewage system. The officer did; however, give me a ticket for removing a man-hole cover without a license. I was not aware that I needed one. And so I write to you in my free time as I wait to pay my fine. I remain always;

Respectfully Yours,

The Lumpy